


The Moment You Say, "I Love You."

by nyoungboi



Category: GOT7
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Immortality, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Hatred, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2019-12-07 02:03:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18228431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyoungboi/pseuds/nyoungboi
Summary: A life without you is no life to live in.Jackson is an immortal stuck in an endless cycle of meeting the love of his life.Every time is different, but their feelings remain the same.Jinyoung is a flower to be kept fresh and beautiful.But the moment he says I love you-Jackson can never remain the same.Because the moment He says I love you, he fades away.[EDITED: made minor edits]





	The Moment You Say, "I Love You."

**Author's Note:**

> hello yes i am alive. i wanted to finish this fic sooner but i got a new job and this was a very long fic. i actually had 2 new fics i was writing on but then abandoned the first one because im a dumb and this one was better. this is a very long fic bc i am tired of the jinson tag being so damn dry so imma say fuck yall bitches imma make this fic wITH A PASSION
> 
> i made a few fuck ups but its all over now. i fixed all those duds bc i am a graceful human. and i can mf do that jk i accidentally pasted the same paragraphs on the same doc and got confused with the whole story like my dumb bitch energy exudes as i edited it OOF 
> 
> i actually wanted to post it earlier but im a dumb wbk anyhows i will post a few updates of my ongoing fics so dont worry i did not forget im just fucking lazy,, 
> 
> just a little background, i read this manga a long time ago where the protagonist had this girl he really liked but whenever she confessed she would disappear like she never existed but as the protagonist grew up he had met that girl who had kept the same name, the same face but she had another life and the protagonist remembered her but she doesnt. so i found that so interesting and decided to make a fic inspired by it. unfortunately i cannot remember what the name of the manga was, i believe it only had one chapter which prompt me to making it a oneshot as well....
> 
> anyways thats enough for now pls enjoy the story

Jackson laid on his apartment floor, alone, empty and tired. His heart stung as if he had been stabbed a million times; he had cried a million more than his tears could not fall. Jackson lived a vicious cycle that every time and did not learn. He stared at the ceiling watching the lights flicker in his empty living room. Jackson laughed, funny how they called it living room as Jackson only wanted the opposite. He hated being alive. Jackson hated that he was still here, and he wasn’t.

Jackson lives a strange life, you see. He’s what you call, immortal. He can’t die, but he sure wished he could. Jackson has been around for many centuries, time was an illusion. He had forgotten to count the years he had been alive because he knew that it would only torture him to keep track. Life went on, so would he, why would Jackson bother with such trivial things.

He clenched his chest as he felt his beating heart. A heart that had been broken so many times, broken by the same man he loved a thousand times. Jackson was cursed, he didn’t know why but he was. He liked one man for the past couple of centuries he had been alive. Every time he always had the same name, the same face and all those things, Jackson fell in love with every time.

Park Jinyoung, yes, that was his name. He was an enigma of the world, every 25 years Jackson would meet Jinyoung, and they would fall in love. As much as Jackson wanted nothing more but to stay forever, he just couldn’t. The moment Jinyoung says the three magical words, I love you, that would set Jackson’s heart on fire, he would disappear. Jinyoung would dissipate to soft pink petals and be forgotten by the people around him except for Jackson. He remembered everything, he always did. Jackson could never let it slip his mind, no matter how much he tried.

 

Jackson tried falling in love with Jinyoung, he worked so hard to leave let him go, but fate hated him, and he fell for him every time. Jackson wanted these dry years of waiting to fade away but waiting to meet Jinyoung meant waiting for Jinyoung to disappear again. Why not, stop Jinyoung from saying I love you? Don’t you think Jackson has already tried? But no matter how much Jackson tried, there was always fate telling him otherwise.

Jackson had remembered that moment he almost did it. The time, he could live with Jinyoung forever. Jackson and Jinyoung were caught and ostracized as homosexuals and hid for nearly two years. They couldn’t precisely freely say I love you to each other. “Please don’t say it,” Jackson covered Jinyoung’s mouth, knowing the words that were about to come out.

“Why don’t you want me to say it?” Jinyoung held Jackson’s hand and moved his hand to cup his cheek. Jackson slowly ran his thumb on Jinyoung’s face with fear that crawled all over.

“I’m scared of what will happen next,” Jackson felt Jinyoung press his forehead to his lover’s.

“Don’t be scared. You know that I would never leave you,” Jinyoung lovingly kissed Jackson’s forehead, moving down to kiss his nose then his lips.

“You don’t know that. I just can’t lose you again,” Jackson pulled away.

“Again? When have you ever lost me? I’ve always been yours,” Jinyoung worriedly looked at his lover.

“It’s more complicated than you think…” Jackson protested.

“Jackson, I’m so tired of this. I’ve been shunned by the world. I don’t have anyone besides you to call a family. People say I sound die in a hole, and my own father can’t look at me in the eye. I just want you to know how important you are to me,” Jackson felt his heart pang. How could he let Jinyoung feel so much pain, then he realized, this wasn’t for Jinyoung. He had been so selfish of keeping him that it was not his time. Maybe in another life, Jackson thought. How could he let Jinyoung suffer? Jackson softly kissed Jinyoung’s tears and placed another kiss on his lips. “I love you, Jackson. I love you so so so much,” Jinyoung tears continued to fall. Jackson merely hugged him tight as he could feel Jinyoung slowly faded away. “I love you, Jackson,” Jinyoung kept repeating. Jackson pulled away to look at Jinyoung one last time.

“I love you too,” And like that Jinyoung was gone. Jackson observed his surrounds, tears in his eyes not willing to fall. As petals decorated the ground, Jackson slumped to his knees and wept.

 

Jackson would never and could never stop Jinyoung from saying I love you. Jackson stared at the ceiling, slowly coming back to the present. How sad to reminisce on the times he had lost his past Jinyoungs when he had just recently lost another one. As much as Jackson wanted to wallow in his own self-pity and fall into another trance of pure cynicism. Jackson rolled to his side to get up, but as he laid down, he picked one of the petals Jinyoung dissipated too. “I have to wait another 25 years for you, huh?” Jackson talked to the petal. He lazily stood up and dragged his feet out of the apartment. He grazed his hand over the beautiful countertops and worn out chairs.

Jackson slowly took a step out to the foyer and looked back at the apartment. It had suddenly become bare and unfurnished. Jackson sighed, whenever Jinyoung disappeared, everything that was connected to Jinyoung would fade away. Meaning to say, Jinyoung’s apartment would become a vacant space, memories of his parents and friends would no longer know the existence of Jinyoung. Erasing that Park Jinyoung ever existed. What happens to Jackson? Well, he moves on with his life, sometimes people remember him if their relationship to Jackson weren’t directly to him they would forget him. Jackson met Jinyoung just as the enigmatic man turned 25.

Jackson closed the door, and his keys would change to a different lock to be a completely useless key. Jackson grumbled at how meticulous the universe was at erasing Park Jinyoung. Jackson heard his beeper ring suddenly breaking his sullen mood. He received a message from a friend that never forgets.

* * *

“Jackson!” An old man called sitting by a nearby park bench. Jackson quickened his step, repressing the fact he had just lost his lover. “How are you tonight?” The old man grinned.

“I could be better. Why the sudden call?” Jackson casually spoke to the old man who was very unusual if an outsider caught then chatting. The old man knew Jackson’s… condition and had been aware of it by the tender age of 18, who Jackson sees as an aging old man, was once a curious mind actually still is. He had also been Jackson’s longest friend, he was someone Jackson could always confide in when things were rough, especially at times like this.

“My daughter visited me earlier, she said she’s going to be a mother,” Youngjae smiles, pressing his palms closer together, thanking him for giving him a grandchild. He looked up to Jackson with tears of joy in his eyes, if it was a day of mourning for Jackson; it was a day of celebration of a new life for his friend. “I’m going to be a grandfather, hyung,” Youngjae sniffled out his tears as he called Jackson by honorifics, which Jackson had told him to stop using after the age where he started to look older than Jackson himself. “Today God has given me a new angel in my life, tell me hyung… Will you finally keep your Angel?” Jackson painfully smiled as Angels escaped from him and from his friend’s mouth.

“Sadly, I lost my Angel again,” That’s how they referred to Jinyoung. Jackson never mentioned the name Jinyoung to Youngjae as he had already met Jinyoung before. Before Youngjae’s belief that Jackson had met him when he was only 18. Jackson held his tongue when they had initially met when he was 16, two years earlier, and they met because of an Angel.

 

Jackson was 16 years into waiting to meet Jinyoung again. He had decided to make a living in a quiet province at the south of Gyeongsang, residing, at that time, in the quaint town of Changwon, the Korean War had come to its end agreeing upon a demilitarized zone between the north and south and kept the conflict at bay. Jackson too it as an opportunity to get out the normal bustle of Seoul and head south. Jackson worked as a grief counselor, helping people through losses of a family, a loved one, and of a friend. During the time of war, he had listened to all the cries of people only empathizing with what they were going through. Immortal as he was had experienced more losses than one could encounter for. Jackson had accepted this fact and just wanted to help others get through it as a means to also forget about his own.

Jackson tended dutifully to his job, counseling a family who had lost a son, a husband, and most importantly, a father to his children during the war 2 years ago. Jackson listened to the woes of the wife, only giving her a shoulder to cry on. The sliding doors opened at the main entrance, and his client merely said that it was probably her son coming home from school. The creaky floorboards squeaked louder and louder to their direction, slowly opening the door to his father’s shrine. The boy peeked at his mother weeping, unfazed as he had seen her cry almost a million times that every tear she shed, she had dropped for him and his younger sister. Jackson looked up to only greet the son, but the boy daunted Jackson into an utter shock.

Those abnormally large ears, those naturally pouty lips and his eyes that spoke a thousand words, it was Jinyoung. Jackson’s mind boggled, it was nine years too early, Jinyoung was merely 16, and here he was right in front him as he comforted Jinyoung’s current mother’s tears. Jackson was speechless, he brought his focus back to Jinyoung’s mother and quietly released her from his grasp. Jackson had to admit it was quite awkward to see an “unknown” man holding his crying mother. Jackson shook his head, trying to erase such thoughts.

“Mother, I’m home— I see your busy,” Jinyoung felt like he interrupted a seemingly intimate moment.

“No, wait!” Jackson stopped, feeling a need to explain to him but cringe at the thought that he didn’t want Jinyoung to misunderstand the situation. The guy was 16 for god sakes, Jackson isn’t trying to appeal to a 16-year-old kid that he’s had something before in his past lives. God, no. “Urm… It’s not like that. I’m helping your mother. I’m a grief minister,” Jackson stuck out his hand for Jinyoung to shake. “You see, I help people through the death of a loved one.”

“What do we need a grief minister for, you aren’t going to bring back the dead,” Jinyoung scoffed.

“Jinyoung!” His mother scolded.

“He’s right. I can’t bring back the dead, I’m no miracle worker, but it’s better than thinking there’s nothing I can do. You’re always so pessimistic, Jinyoung, when will you stop being so scared of the world,” Jackson smiled only pain filled his words, Jinyoung looked at Jackson closely for the first time in his life. It was the first time meeting the man but how come Jinyoung felt like he knew him; that Jackson knew Jinyoung. “Ah! Mrs. Park, I’ll come back another time tomorrow. Please think about what we talked about,” Jackson smiled to Jinyoung’s mother and quickly gathered his things to head out. Jinyoung was in a daze, continually looking at Jackson, intriguing him every moment and every moment.

The next day was different, different was good. Jackson had been undisturbed with his counseling with Mrs. Park and could now bear to talk about the loss of her husband without turning to a spluttering mess. Jackson allowed her to rest for the day and showed himself out the door. Waiting for him was a certain 16-year-old boy quietly waiting for Jackson to come out of that room. Jackson stopped only for a second but decided to ignore the boy. He wasn’t going to do this. Not now, not when Jinyoung was so young. Jackson couldn’t allow a 16-year-old boy to fall in love with him, it was too dangerous, and he was far too young to disappear. The boy stopped him by grabbing his wrist, Jackson didn’t even have the strength to push him away. “Listen about yesterday… I’m sorry,” Jinyoung was never one to admit his mistakes so easily, but this Jinyoung was younger, immature, he only wanted attention for his actions by any means possible, in other words, he’s a child. Jackson repeated to himself, he was a child, and he wasn’t going to steal his life away from him. He was a child, and he wasn’t going to take his life away from him. He was a child— “Mom told me to apologize for yesterday, I get it. I said some pretty childish things.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that. You’d be surprised by the number of times people have said that to me. I can’t bring back the dead. But I want to make sure people don’t live as if there’s nothing to do about it.”

“That’s cool. Foreigners have such open minds towards these things, I don’t think I could ever,” Jinyoung gazed at Jackson in amazement.

“Well, you can’t be confined in that small box of your mind,” Jackson smirked.

“My dad promised me that he’d take me to Seoul when he got back from the war. I don’t know what’s beyond Changwon, so I don’t know what’s the world like. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared of it,” Children are so pure, Jackson wasn’t going to soil Jinyoung, he was an Angel that kept Jackson out of insanity. He wasn’t going to be the reason for another fallen angel.

“The world can be so small and so vast at the same time, Jinyoung. Little steps will get you there,” Jackson placed his hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder as he saw himself out. Jinyoung chased after him but as soon as he came out of the Park household he was gone.

 

The day after, Jackson carefully escaped the Park household, he tiptoed out of the hall, seeing no sign of Jinyoung. He let out a sigh of relief when he reached the main entrance, he was glad to not have bumped into a confident young teen who so happens to be the love of his life. As Jackson reached out for the door, a voice screamed, “Now!” Bombarding Jackson by tackling him to the ground by two teenage boys. “We got him Youngjae,” Jackson recognized that snarky little teenage voice; Jinyoung sat on Jackson’s back to hold him down to the ground while his accomplice, Youngjae, held Jackson’s ankles tightly.

“Jinyoung get off of me!” Jackson yelled to the top of his lungs. Mrs. Park heard Jackson’s cries and immediately rushes over, she shouts at the boys to get off the older man.

Mrs. Park repeatedly bowed her head apologetically with Youngjae repeating her gesture. Jinyoung merely stared at Jackson until his mother dragged his head down into a bow to apologize to Jackson. “I’m sorry, Mr. Wang, for my son’s idiotic behavior. I’m sorry,” Mrs. Park shamefully repeated.

“No, I’m alright no harm done. Anyways, I’ll take my leave now,” Jackson hesitantly said his farewells, Jinyoung peeked up from the bowed position his mother forced him into. His eyes followed Jackson’s feet as they slowly walked away farther and farther from his peripheral. After Jackson gained some distance elsewhere, Jinyoung’s mother pulled his head up and relentlessly started scolding him. Jinyoung looked far off to Jackson’s range, somehow ignoring his mother’s loud complaints. In a sudden moment, Jinyoung felt his heart lead the way as he jolted to run after Jackson. His mother screamed his name in the distance, but Jinyoung was too focused on catching up to the immortal.

“You!” Jinyoung called out to Jackson. “You know my name!” Jackson turned to Jinyoung in confusion, he stopped in his steps for Jinyoung to catch up. When the young boy wheezed and heaved when he finally caught up to Jackson, he wiped his sweat away and look straight into Jackson’s eyes. “Your name. You know my name. It’s only fair if I only know yours,” Jinyoung panted, his lips forming into a smile.

“Jackson. My name is Jackson,” Jinyoung’s smile grew even more extensive.

“Jackson.”

 

Jackson’s doorbell rang once then again and again as if someone was rapid, almost trying to break the goddamn thing. Jackson grunted wanting to shout at the asshole ringing his doorbell so annoyingly. “What?!” Jackson angrily hissed.

“Jinyoung, I told you to stop! Look what you did now!” Voices bickered behind Jackson’s black steel gate.

“He wouldn’t come out the first time!”

“He’s not automatically going to open the door the second you ring it!”

“Hello?” Jackson interrupted. Jinyoung smiled and waved excitedly at Jackson. The older man was confused at the two boys; questions ran through his mind: how did they find his house? Why are they here in the middle of a school day? Who was the other kid?

“I brought my friend Youngjae! Can we hang out?” Jackson couldn’t refuse Jinyoung’s smile, how come he was so mischievous in this reincarnation?  Little did they know that would be the first of many visits to Jackson’s house.

 

2 years past, and Jackson quietly wrote in his journal, it was a peaceful afternoon, and Jinyoung lied on the floor reading his book. They were perfectly fine with the silence it was soothing, in fact. The breeze and the shaking leaves filling the ambient noises, they were in perfect bliss. Youngjae had just left Jackson’s house, calling it early because his mother screamed his name throughout the whole neighborhood. Jackson’s place became a hideout for the two boys when they wanted to escape from school or the families. Jackson couldn’t refuse because what was he supposed to do? He often would shoo them away if they ever came during school hours except for the first time they had done it. Jackson allowed them to visit any time as long as they studied and did their homework at the end of their visit.

Jackson stole a few glances at Jinyoung who lied perfectly still on the ground while reading his textbook. Jackson rolled his eyes then noticing Jinyoung had unbuttoned half of his shirt open, making his bare chest exposed to the world. Jackson wanted to comment every time he looked but didn’t know how to say it. He couldn’t prey on the 18-year-old boy he was still far too young. Jackson glanced once more, and Jinyoung slammed his book shut and looked over to Jackson. Did he notice that Jackson was looking? Jackson felt terrible because he knew the boy would comment on Jackson, making him profoundly uncomfortable. “You know you can just ask to look,” Jinyoung sat up, adjusting his shirt to expose more of his chest.

“W-what?! Jinyoung stop that!” Jackson closed his eyes, trying not to look at Jinyoung.

“Why?”

“Because you’re a child; this is wrong, alright?” Jackson felt Jinyoung crawl towards him, his heart beat faster, and his breath became heavy.

“I’m not a child anymore, Jackson. I’m practically an adult, so please look at me.”

“No!” Jackson turned his head away, his eyes tightly shut. Jinyoung crawled closer to Jackson, he could hear his heart pump louder and louder.

“Look at me or else I’ll kiss you,” Jinyoung threatened. Jackson slowly turned his head back and slowly opened his eyes there he saw Jinyoung absolutely breathtaking. When he first saw him in this life, he was just a boy so pure, now he was a man so good-looking that it could destroy Jackson. Jinyoung leaned forward, planting a simple kiss on Jackson’s lips. It tingled and made Jackson smile, how much he missed those soft plushy lips. Jackson fought the urge to let his happiness seep through, remembering that Jinyoung was still only 18.

“Why did you kiss me?”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t kiss you,” Jinyoung kissed Jackson again and again and again. This drove Jackson insane, he allowed himself to fall in love with a barely legal reincarnate of Jinyoung, Jackson told himself that he would pursue Jinyoung at least at the age of 20, but this was too early, Jackson was in dangerous territories right now, and he had to tread lightly. Jinyoung was straightforward and knew what he wanted, Jackson knew that, but he couldn’t predict Jinyoung being this straightforward, it must be because he’s so young he’s more direct to his desires.

They hid from everyone and also from Youngjae. Jinyoung would interlace their hands when Youngjae sat across from them, unaware of what was really happening. When Youngjae would leave Jinyoung would stay saying that he didn’t feel like going home just yet. Youngjae would shrug it off knowing that Jinyoung always liked staying out late anyways when Youngjae left, Jinyoung cheekily smiled at Jackson aware they were utterly alone. The younger tackled the older to the ground, and they rolled over the floor, laughing and giggling taking over the whole room. Jackson hovered directly under Jinyoung and came down for a kiss. Jinyoung blushed with his eye whiskers peeking out as he smiled ear to ear.

“Hey Jackson, let’s have sex,” Jackson spluttered in shock at Jinyoung’s outrageous statement.

“Jinyoung, that’s not a good idea. I know it seems so fascinating to you to date an older man but don’t do this. It’s not what you want.”

“How do you know what I want? Because you know what’s good for me?! God, you’re just like every other adult! To think I thought you would be different,” Jinyoung pushed Jackson away as he sat up in tears.

“Jinyoung, it’s not like that—”

“Did you know, everyone thinks I’m a monster…” Jackson was confused,  _what was Jinyoung saying?_  “People think I’m disgusting because I like men. My mom says I should burn in hell. Everyone in my class avoids me. Youngjae doesn’t know what to think that's why he leaves so early just to get away from me. My own fucking sister won’t even look at her own brother!” Jinyoung yelled, breaking down even more.

“Jinyoung…”

“You’re the first guy I ever liked. When I told my mom that I had feelings for you, she said to never bat an eyelash to you because she knows I’d disgust you. She likes you like that. Likes you more than her own son, funny. So when that day… you kept looking at me. I wondered if you knew, but you didn’t. When I kissed you, you kissed me back. It made me so happy to know that you might like me back, but I guess it’s not like that, huh?” Jackson inched closer to Jinyoung, he cupped the younger’s cheeks and wiped away his tears with his thumbs and deeply looked into Jinyoung’s eyes. “Do you know how much my heart raced when you kissed me back. I felt like a jumped over the fucking moon! But I’m just still a child to you, huh? You know whenever I felt like I was fucking alone in this world… at least you were there.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you were in so much pain, but I can’t let you throw away this life away for me.”

“I’m not going to throw my life away for you, I want to spend my life with you. I want to be free, and I feel so safe when I’m with you. Please let me, love—” Jackson stopped Jinyoung from talking any more and kissed him. Jinyoung kissed back. When their kisses became more profound, Jinyoung fell back to his back, blushing at Jackson suggestively signaling him to go the next step.

“Are you sure about this Jinyoung?” The younger only nodded. Jackson gritted his teeth and gave in to the temptation, he stopped himself again to look at Jinyoung slightly squirming under him, waiting for Jackson to make his move. “Once I start there’s no going back, alright?” Jinyoung nodded again. “You really like making me go crazy over you, don’t you?” Jackson felt Jinyoung’s hands cup Jackson’s cheeks as he pulled himself up to lay a supple kiss on Jackson.

“If I say yes already, will you stop worrying about me and just go on with it already?” Jackson laughed.

“I don’t think I can ever stop thinking about you,” Jackson kissed him once more and allowed his desire to take over. He was gentle at first then his touches were soft, making Jinyoung feel so delicate and so precious. They felt their movements synced up, and all they could hear were each other’s hearts. Not only did Jinyoung teared up at the immeasurable amount of pleasure Jackson made him feel but the amount of love that he saw showered with. Jackson places a supple kiss onto Jinyoung’s lips, and the younger boy shyly asked him to plant another kiss.

“Again,” Jinyoung whispered, and so Jackson did.

“Again,” He asked once more.

“Again,” Jackson rolled his eyes and kissed the young boy again just as he asked.

“Again—”

“Why are you asking me to kiss you so much?!” Jackson snorted.

“I just can’t believe you’re kissing me right now, this moment seems so unreal. I don’t want it ever to end,” Jinyoung childishly answered.

“Being with you is worth a forever,” Jackson kissed the tip of Jinyoung’s nose and plants his forehead on Jinyoung’s.

 

After they had finished, Jinyoung cuddled his arms over Jackson’s chest. Jinyoung giggled as Jackson’s breast moved up and down. He then laid his ear closer to Jackson’s heart, listening to the drumming sounds of Jackson’s heart. “It’s so soothing. When we were children, we loved listening to the sound of our mother’s heartbeat. The warmth we would feel. I feel the same way now: warm, content, relaxed. Like all my worries have faded away.”

“Are you trying to call me your mom,” Jackson joked earning a light hit from the younger as he snorted at Jackson’s poor attempt at humor.

“I wouldn’t fuck my mom. What I’m trying to say,” Jinyoung climbed on top of Jackson’s body which made the elder yelp when he sat right on top of his naked groin. “Is that could never feel this way with anyone else anymore. I’m so glad to have someone like you in my life,” Jinyoung’s eyes welled up in more tears but they weren’t sad. Jackson knew what would happen next; he knew the moment he kissed this 18-year-old boy. He couldn’t believe that he had to take away Jinyoung’s life already. Jackson teared up as well, knowing it wasn’t for the reasons Jinyoung was. Jinyoung laughed at the older man’s tears and lowered down connecting their foreheads close together. “Why are you crying?”

“Because it’s the most painful thing to see the person, you love, cry,” Jackson laughed, still crying along with Jinyoung.

“I love you, too,” Jinyoung softly kissed the tip of Jackson’s nose. Jinyoung’s tears dripped down on Jackson’s face until he felt petals gently fall onto his cheeks. He opened his eyes, and Jinyoung was gone.

 

A week, Jackson’s doorbell rang once then again and again as if someone was rapid, almost trying to break the goddamn thing. Jackson grunted wanting to shout at the asshole ringing his doorbell so annoyingly. “What?!” Jackson angrily hissed, more disheveled and unruly than he did a week before Jinyoung disappeared. Of course, no one really knew he did, and like always it was like he never even existed.

“I’m sorry! I—” Youngjae panicked and held his hands up to Jackson. “I rang a couple of times before and you never really responded. I thought this would be the proper method to get you out… sir.” Jackson rolled his eyes at the young boy and stepped out of his front door, walking slowly and intimidatingly towards Youngjae behind Jackson’s gate.

“Jackson. You can call me Jackson,” Jackson introduced tiredly to the boy.

“Oh, nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. What did you say you wanted from me?”

“Oh, the town is having a ceremonial wake for the town’s elder. She past away this morning and Mrs. Park said you are a doctor that helps people get over the dead—”

“Grief counselor.”

“Yeah, a grief counselor. And the family would like it if you came to console them through their losses,” Youngjae explained.

“Alright. I’ll just get ready in a bit. Do you wanna come inside, because I don’t know where the thing is,” Jackson opened his gates for Youngjae. He bowed to the elder as they entered. Youngjae tilted his head and walked to Jackson’s study, knowing he had this feeling that he had been here before. Youngjae spotted a dusty old journal on Jackson’s desk and knelt down to check its contents. He flipped through the pages, unable to read its contents because it had been written in Chinese. Jackson coughed to catch Youngjae’s attention while he snooped around Jackson’s items. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to. If it makes you feel better, I don’t know how to read Chinese so, I couldn’t understand any of it!” Youngjae looked at Jackson’s sad eyes and felt terribly guilty forever, even looking into it. It was clearly personal to Jackson, but Youngjae was clearly in the wrong on this one. “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to.”

“Have you ever met someone so otherworldly that you always want them by your side, but you couldn’t even hold them for so long because they weren’t bound to such existential grounds?” Jackson asked.

“What… is that like an angel?” Youngjae merely asked back, entirely confused by Jackson’s question.

“Yeah, sorta like an angel.”

“I’ve never met an angel before. Have you?” Jackson smiled at the corner of his mouth. He looked up at Youngjae with eyes that had seen so much only intriguing Youngjae even more.

“I guess you can say I have.”

“So, what was he like this time?” Youngjae presently asked Jackson.

“He was… gentle,” Jackson smiled.

 

Jackson was getting used to working at a psychiatric firm, working closely with other counselors specializing in many different psychological aspects. Jackson knew as times changed, he had to adapt. In times today, he wanted to experiment with working with others instead of always flying it solo. This also kept Jackson busy as his schedule was packed with people seeking counseling after losing a dearly beloved. When Jackson decided to become a grief counselor, it wasn’t for some ironic purposes because he cannot die he cannot relate to the dead, but he can empathize with those who have lost someone dear. Many of them were tragic, but Jackson has witnessed wars, utter chaos, and always losing the person he loved the most. So he made it a duty to help others get through what they have lost.  

That’s where he met him. Jackson didn’t have Jinyoung as a patient, but there he was reading those tiny pocketbooks and self-help novels at the waiting room at their firm. Jackson would call out his patient, but his eyes still keen on Jinyoung sadly sitting there. He didn’t look up from his book like what other patients did, he merely burrowed himself in his book; honestly, he stood out like a sore thumb with his thick-framed glasses that apparently had no lenses, dark under circles below his eyes, and his curly black hair. Jackson thought this Jinyoung had the most distinct features from the past.

Jackson was skeptical about talking to this Jinyoung due to the traumatic experience of destroying an 18-year-old boy’s dream of being free. Jackson hoped that this Jinyoung was free albeit his appearance looked somewhat… upsetting; Jackson only wished that he was free. His counselor, Junho, calls him to his office every day at noon. Jackson wondered why they always met at noon and what they were discussing, but of course, every patient’s information is confidential from outsiders.

One day, Jackson leaned on the doorframe of the breakroom for every counselor, his eyes fell on Junho’s office room, wondering what he discussed with Jinyoung. He then felt a tiny chill from the back of his neck. “You’re blonde,” Junho pointed at Jackson’s sudden color change, Jackson shrugged, figured as times were changing and why not try something new. Junho handed him a cola can while he brightly smiled and greeted.

“I’m trying something new. Don’t you usually have your noon session?” Jackson pointed at Junho.

“I do, I brought him out to see how he reacts with other people in a common setting,” Junho gestured to Jinyoung gloomily looming over Junho’s shoulder, naturally anxious at everything around him.

“How is he so far?” Jackson tried not to lean close to more details.

“He’s doing good so far but… I gotta say this as his brother, I’m kinda worried,” Junho confessed. Jackson’s eyes widen while sipping on his coke can, Junho laughed and nodded, confirming it once more. “I knew you would react like that. I try not to treat him like a patient because he isn’t. It’s just that, as his older brother, I don’t think he’s adapting too well.”

“To what? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“He’s voluntarily mute, he hasn’t spoken since his mother left his father. His father thinks it’s something his mother said to him before she left and he wouldn’t talk ever since. He’s also been dealing with his anxiety, that’s why I take him here every noon just to check up on him. He works at home, so it’s not a problem for him to show up these times. Oh god! Why am I even telling you this?!” Junho slapped himself for his stupid mistake.

“No! It’s fine. You’re a concerned brother, I get that,” Jackson rubbed his colleagues should comforting him while staring at Jinyoung standing alone in the corner.

“I just want him to feel safe around people heck— at least someone, you know?”

“Why don’t I try it?” Jackson offered.

“What? No, Jackson. I could never.”

“Why not. I won’t treat your brother as a patient or anything, and it’ll be free of charge. Let me be his friend,” Jackson smiled.

“Are you sure about this? My stepbrother can be very guarded, it won’t be easy.”

“Trust me! I can handle this much.”

 

Jackson then cleared his morning schedule to dedicate every morning in becoming Jinyoung’s friend, he promised his half-brother that he would try to get him to talk even simple words like ‘hi,’ ‘hello,’ even a ‘goodbye’ would do. Jackson walked stiffly to the waiting room and took an empty chair beside Jinyoung, he awkwardly stared at Jinyoung making the latter feel uncomfortable that he shot Jackson some annoyed glances. “Hi, I’m Jackson!” Jinyoung rolled his eyes and continued to ignore Jackson. “Your brother told me your name is Park Jinyoung. You don’t have to talk, I actually prepared for this. Here,” Jackson placed pieces of bond paper and a pen on Jinyoung’s lap. Jinyoung looked at Jackson and closed his tiny pocketbook. He grabbed a piece of paper and used his book as a flat surface. Junho called out Jinyoung’s name, and Jinyoung stood up and threw the paper back at Jackson. The immortal chuckled at the piece of paper that was covered in almost unreadable handwriting.

_Get a life you asshole._

The next day Jackson changed his medium, he brought a whiteboard, marker, and eraser for Jinyoung to write on after seeing him struggle with the small surface of his book with massive pieces of bond paper. Jackson thought maybe that’s why Jinyoung’s handwriting was terrible because he fought with his method of writing, so Jackson wanted to make a little bit easier for him.

_Die asshole._

Was that day’s message and Jackson concluded two things, one Jinyoung’s handwriting is terrible no matter what medium he writes on and two, even if Jinyoung would curse him out and write rude words, one thing hasn’t changed at all; Jinyoung was entirely a gentle being.

Jackson tried a different method after the coming days that he would hold one-sided conversations, telling Jinyoung anecdotes and other things to pass the time. At first, Jackson carried the exchange for a whole five minutes for Junho called him. Then he devised with Junho to extend an added five minutes every day. So then the next day, Jackson talked for ten minutes. Then he spoke for 15, 20, 30, all the way until he could hold the conversation for a whole hour.

While he would converse with Jinyoung, he could see the way Jinyoung listened to him. He only stayed on the same page, and his ears perked closely looking to Jackson. He just stared at the page, making little unnoticeable expressions when Jackson made a joke or had a suspenseful story. While telling some dumb story, he remembered doing with Youngjae, when the younger basically embarrassed himself in front of his crush which later became his wife. Just when Jackson was about to reach the climax, Jackson stopped, he pretended to look at the time and stood up. “Sorry, I have a meeting,” Jackson lied. He turned his back and felt Jinyoung tugging his button-down sleeve. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung but I have an appointment to get to,” almost inaudibly Jinyoung slid his hand off Jackson’s jacket, he replied.

“Please continue next time,” Jinyoung gave Jackson the longest time of eye contact since this reincarnation. Jinyoung bowed his head down and flipped his page, continuing to read his book. Jackson smiled at his breakthrough, he missed the sound of Jinyoung’s voice and hearing just a murmur was kind enough to satisfy Jackson. He had finally gotten a solid reaction, and Jinyoung didn’t seem to mind as he ate away his time.

The next day, Jinyoung sat at the waiting area with no book at hand as he anxiously participated for Jackson to talk to him. Jackson peeked out of his office and saw Jinyoung patiently waiting for him and decided to take things to the next step. Jackson walked out of his office, bidding a farewell to his last patient before going to Jinyoung. Jackson smiled to Jinyoung as he walked past him, heading out of the door. Jinyoung instinctively grabbed Jackson’s sleeve before reluctantly letting him go. “I’m going to head out for lunch? Do you want to join me?” Jinyoung curved his mouth to a frown, his eyes pointed towards Junho’s door. “Your brother? I’ll tell him you were with me. It’s fine. C'mon,” Jackson reached his hand out to Jinyoung. He shyly took his hand, and that was first of their many lunches.

Jackson usually took Jinyoung out to convenient stores and cheap lunches crowded with loud customers, but they were in their own world. When they ate they were silently focused on their food, Jackson would sneak more food onto Jinyoung’s plate when he wasn’t looking for him to eat more. Jinyoung would also do the same for Jackson. They would look forward to each other every day as they wordlessly communicated. Junho noticed how much more spritely Jinyoung was and felt that Jackson was doing him well. Jackson squealed at Jinyoung’s puffy cheeks whenever he stuffed his face with food. Jinyoung looked at him, confused at Jackson’s loving expressions. He picked out a grain of rice at the corner of Jinyoung’s mouth and popped into his mouth. Jinyoung felt his cheeks burn up, Jackson laughed cutely teasing the other boy. “Jinyoung, do you want to move in with me?” Jackson asked Jinyoung grabbed his whiteboard and quickly wrote his answer down.

_Are you sure you want to live with me?_

“That’s why I’m asking you.”

_I want to…_

“But?”

_But what if you start to hate me?_

“Why would I ever hate you, Park Jinyoung?”

_Maybe you will…_

“And I won’t and will never,”

_Jackson… I think you’re my best friend._

Jackson smiled at the whiteboard. “You’re my best friend too.”

 

_Jackson, do you think two men can fall in love?_

Jinyoung wrote one day as they lounged in their apartment watching the news about an annual pride parade in the US. Jackson was apparently in love with a man, to be more specific the man right beside him, but Jinyoung was unaware, and their relationship was purely platonic. Jackson pretended to think about it, to make Jinyoung wait for his opinion. “I honestly don’t care. Do you?” Jinyoung blushed and looked away. He wrote in his small letters than his usual big blocky handwriting and showed it to Jackson.

_It doesn’t gross you out?_

_“_ No. Why should two people in love gross me out?” Jackson snorted as Jinyoung frantically erased his whiteboard to write a response.

_If I say, I like men. It won’t freak you out?_

“No. It won’t. I’ve encountered many homosexuals back in the day, and I’ve never once thought they were disgusting. Are you scared because you thought I would hate the idea of two guys in love?” Jackson leaned closer to Jinyoung’s face to fluster him even more. Jackson liked how Jinyoung would scrunch up his nose as his cheeks blushed a deep red.

_You have it all wrong! I just asked a question!_

Jackson lowered Jinyoung’s whiteboard and moved closer to Jinyoung’s face until their faces were only centimeters apart. Jinyoung grabbed Jackson’s collar to push him away, but he merely shut his eyes and wait. He could feel Jackson’s breath on him as his lips inched closer and closer to Jinyoung’s. “Someone once told me that if I didn’t open my eyes, they would kiss me,” Jinyoung slowly opened his eyes one by the other. He could see Jackson’s face so close, he made him so nervous. Not in the way he was used to, he didn’t feel like the world was crashing apart or that he felt so alone that such disgusting thoughts took over his mind. No. It was more like happy, giddy type nervous, which made Jinyoung crack a smile or giggle. Jackson was like the courage that he never had. Jackson pushed his forehead to Jinyoung’s, looking deep into each other’s eyes.

Jackson softly laid his lips on Jinyoung’s, and for every first kiss they had, it was always amazing. Their kiss always started out shy, Jackson licked the bottom of Jinyoung’s lip to open up. They tasted the crevices of their mouths and explored every inch with their tongues. Jinyoung pulled away with a string of saliva that still connected them and gasped at Jackson, covering his whole mouth. “When I opened my eyes, he still kissed me and said, ‘I didn’t say I wasn’t going to kiss you,’” Jackson quoted the last Jinyoung.

_That’s a cheap trick._

“You don’t seem to mind.”

_Yes, I did! That was… my first kiss from anyone…_

“We can do it again if you want?” Jackson offered, Jinyoung hissed and sent him more nasty looks.  

 

“So how did he disappear if he didn’t speak?” Youngjae asked, quite confused.

“It was already so hard for him. I didn’t see that he was going through so much,” Jackson felt angry at himself, all that time he spent with Jinyoung meant nothing if he couldn’t help him. Jinyoung was struggling already, his brother added more medications and more therapy sessions, and when Jackson came home, Jinyoung only weakly smiled at him. The dark circles underneath his eyes grew more profound. Not to mention cuts and bruises on his body that slipped out of Jinyoung’s long sleeves. Old blood stains on cuffs of his shirt, Jackson would notice as he did their laundry. Jackson kept up a smile on his face and loved Jinyoung more than he could ever ask for.

  
  
_Isn’t it uncomfortable to like a man?_

Jackson shook his head, then buried his face into Jinyoung’s chest. “No. It isn’t. Why do you find it uncomfortable with liking me?”

_I heard people talking at hyung’s office. They said you looked good with Hyerim, the secretary._

“Why would I date Hyerim when I have you?”

_I don’t know… she’s pretty, she’s kind. I heard she speaks Cantonese and Mandarin just like you! Wouldn’t she be better than me? Other people think you look good together._

“And you believe that? If I liked her, then I would’ve asked her out, but I like you, so it doesn’t matter. Right?”

_What if you realize that I’m not good enough?_

“When will you realize that you are!” Jackson poked Jinyoung’s forehead. “Jinyoung, I know about your meds. I know about the bruises. Do you think your brother doesn’t tell me? Jinyoung… stop beating yourself up because you don’t think you’re not good enough.”

_You changed your hair. It’s brown._

“Jinyoung, don’t change the subject. Please? I love you.”

_How can you love me when I can’t even say I love you back?_

“I don’t need you to say it back? I need you to love yourself just as much as I love you,” Jackson squished Jinyoung’s cheeks to pucker his lips and kissed him gently. “And for the longest time, I can hold you and say I love you. Do you know how scared I am to lose you?” Jackson tightly held Jinyoung to a hug. “I told you I would rather spend an eternity looking for you and loving you all the way. I want you to live your life with me,” Jackson reminded himself of the poor 18-year-old Jinyoung that only wanted to live his life.

“But it’s so hard to live when you always want to die…” Jinyoung’s voices weakly came out, his words were dry, and his throat was raspy. Jinyoung held back a million words, but all he wanted to say was ‘help.’ Jackson kissed Jinyoung’s tears and only shared his silence. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to say it.  _‘Please don’t die?’_  Jackson tried to phrase. How can he say it to Jinyoung when he disappears when he says I love you?

“Don’t,” was all that could come out of Jackson’s mouth. He was a counselor for how many decades and all he could say to Jinyoung was ‘don’t.’ How pathetic he thought. Why was he so useless to the only person he’d love.

Jackson cursed and clutched Jinyoung closer. Why didn’t he do something before it was too late? Jackson came home early to surprise Jinyoung with a dinner date at the nearby barbeque place. Jinyoung had been complaining that he never once took him out to eat barbeque before and had been pestering him for almost two years. Jackson finally found the time to do it today and happily opened his door to be greeted by the most horrific sight. Jackson dropped everything he had in his hand to run up to Jinyoung with his wrists slit open. Jackson screamed for Jinyoung to wake up, had never seen the death of Jinyoung before as he would just disappear and come back in another time. But if Jinyoung were to die like this, would he still be able to go back? Jinyoung’s tears suddenly stung the moment he saw Jackson come in their apartment. Jackson begged Jinyoung to stay with him as a fleeting moment to keep him alive. Jinyoung laid his hand on Jackson’s cheek smiled at the man for one last time. “I love you.”

Jackson blinked, and his tears stopped. Jinyoung was gone; just before he had met his end, he disappeared into petals. Jackson’s bloodstained hands and clothes were magically clean now only creased. Jackson saw Jinyoung’s suicide note, but when he opened it, the letter was completely blank. The world was slowly erasing the existence of Park Jinyoung. Jackson found himself lying on the ground, tired and hopeless. His tears dried up, and he lifelessly laid on the ground.

 

“And now you’re here…” Youngjae sadly ended.

“It’s better than him dying, right?” Jackson stared up to the moonlit sky and basked in his pure agony. “At least I knew he loved me before he left,” Jackson laughed at his sadness. “Why does it get harder every time?”

“I don’t know, hyung. Maybe another time… he’ll be happy. You both will be happy.”

“What if he’ll be happy without me?”

“Then how will you live?” Jackson sighed and placed his hand on Youngjae’s shoulder. He will live, he always has.

* * *

Jackson walked a lonely path, coming to the present year, eternally looking 25 had its perks, but the more tired his eyes examined. He felt like the fog was thicker than it actually looked, the weather bleak and the clouds grew dark, this only accentuated Jackson’s tired eyes, making it thicker and his gaze darker than it already did. Another 25 years had passed, and Jackson felt like the park could ease his mind, he didn’t like thinking because for the past couple centuries that’s all he has been doing. Thinking. Sometimes it was the most calming thing in the world but also the most dangerous. Jackson could be thinking one day of sunny blue skies, and the next moment he’s thinking how to end the happiness that came along with it.

Jackson sat down a dusty old bench just right across another empty seat. Jackson staring holes into the thing with nothing on his mind; nothing was better than anything else. Jackson watched the passerby miss the empty bench. He wondered if anyone would sit there then continued to daze off. One figure then stood in front of the seat and sat down. Jackson recognized his face, it was another rebirth if Jinyoung. He was unfazed and didn’t want to interact, he didn’t dare to. If fate wanted them to meet right now, then so be it. Jackson had nothing else to fulfill in his life.

Jinyoung sat there unbeknownst of Jackson looking towards his direction, he sat there, and he sat doing nothing but think. Jackson saw the sadness in Jinyoung’s eyes, and it was somewhat a new sight for him. Jinyoung felt his tears start to well up, and uncaring of his surroundings allowed his tears to fall. Jackson has seen Jinyoung cry before, he’s seen it many times, but this, this was new. Jackson has never seen Jinyoung cry so sadly not because of him. Not because of any pain Jackson could have caused, they had not met in this life, how could he? Jackson felt his heart stung, he couldn’t bear to see Jinyoung cry.

Tears running down their faces, their eyes met. Jinyoung finally noticed the man sitting on the bench on the other side of the park, crying with him. He furrowed his eyebrows as he dug his stare to the other man, “Why are you crying?” Jinyoung asked.

“Because… it's the most painful thing to see the person, you love, cry.”

* * *

Jinyoung and Jaebeom sat in silence and in shock as their tarot reading told them they were not compatible, that they were wrong for each other, that Jinyoung already had someone waiting for him. Jaebeom scoffed at the tarot reading wanting to protest. They had been dating for nearly five years, and now they tell him they were incompatible with each other? Jaebeom stood up, his chair screeched the ground as he pushed it back and stormed off with Jinyoung quickly grabbing both their coats, trying to catch up to his boyfriend’s back. “Jaebeom, you know that shit isn’t real. That’s why I told you I didn’t want to do a tarot reading in the first place,” Jinyoung tried to calm down his fuming boyfriend.

“I don’t give a shit about the reading!” Jaebeom angrily responded.

“Then why are you so fucking pent up about this?”

“Because… fuck! Jinyoung! Fuck!” He only yelled.

“Clearly this shit made you pissed off. C’mon let’s just go,” Jinyoung grabbed Jaebeom’s wrist but was immediately shook off. “Jaebeom…”

“I’ve been thinking,” Jinyoung knew that was not a good sign. “About us. You’re distant. It makes it so hard to reach you. Today just cleared my mind, and that’s why I’m fucking mad. I don’t want to break up with you,” Jaebeom choked out, his voice was shaky, but he carried a calm certainty that could only end in one way.

“Then don’t. I don’t understand—”

“I like you Jinyoung, I really do. Fuck, I’ll even say it! I love you! But when I hear it from you, why does it sound like those words aren’t for me?” Jinyoung’s lips quivered, right they have been having some troubles with that sort of intimacy, but they could fix it, they always did.

“‘Aren’t for you?’ Jaebeom, fuck! I’m not cheating on you! I don’t fucking get why you wanna break up.”

“I know you’re not cheating on me, but there’s someone out there for you, and I know it’s not me. That’s why I’m so mad that I couldn’t be that person. Jinyoung, I tried. I really did, but you’re only forcing yourself to tell me you love me,” Jinyoung bit his lip, no he wasn’t going to cry. No matter how pathetic he felt, no matter how much he just wanted to scream at Jaebeom. Jinyoung stared down to his shoes and looked back up to Jaebeom.

“If we’re not fucking compatible don’t fucking call me again especially for a fake tarot reading just to break up with me, asshole,” Jinyoung threw Jaebeom coat at him and marched away. Jaebeom called Jinyoung’s name out, but he did not listen.

Jinyoung found himself walking in a nearby park almost deserted, he knew that the weather had been forecasted to rain and Jinyoung didn’t carry an umbrella, it was okay, he didn’t mind getting rained on. No, that it could get any shittier. Jinyoung sat on an empty bench, he was tired. He didn’t want to go home and see his rooms filled with memories of Jaebeom. The clothes he left on that morning, the tiny trinkets he had gotten Jinyoung throughout their relationship not to mention the pictures on his desk accompanied with tiny post-it notes Jinyoung taped to his office. He didn’t want to go home to questions that he would be bombarded by his roommates every time he comes back from a date with Jaebeom. There was no more Jaebeom, Jinyoung clenched his fist tight but did not fight his tears from falling. He actually had been crying for a while now but only felt his tears drip down the back of his hand.

Jinyoung was absorbed with himself; he couldn’t care less about his surroundings. Jinyoung heard little sniffling noise from across from where he was and looked up to see a man crying so sadly.

Jackson knew that their eyes met but had no strength to look away. All the memories of Jinyoung crying flooded back in his mind. A man rejected from society crying because his lover refuses to hear him say I love you. A boy at the cusp of adulthood trying to run away from the mundane. Jackson has seen it all before, he just wants Jinyoung to be happy. “Why are you crying?” It was torture to see a man he had loves so many times before asking why was he crying. Why… was he crying?

“Because… it's the most painful thing to see the person, you love, cry,” Jackson simply answered.

Jinyoung stood from his bench, his eyes wide from the shock of what came out of some stranger’s mouth. The raindrops fell and grew stronger as the silence grew longer. Love? Jinyoung etched in his mind. How could you love a stranger? The rain poured at a deafening point. Jinyoung hesitated to leave, what made him stay for so long either? He quickly rushed out of there as the stranger continued to sadly sit there.

“Oh fuck, hyung. Why are you wet?” Yugyeom gagged at the sight of Jinyoung’s wet clothes, dripping from head to toe.

“I got caught in the rain. I need to use the shower,”  Jinyoung trudged to the bathroom, leaving a puddle at his every step.

“Aw, dude! I just cleaned the floor!” Bambam, Jinyoung’s other roommate, yelled from the kitchen, washing the dishes after Yugyeom beat him at rock-paper-scissors. Jinyoung did not respond but only slammed the bathroom door, giving his current mood apparent to his two younger roommates.

 

After Jinyoung came out of his depressing shower, Yugyeom and Bambam on one side of their four-person dinner table, they wordlessly signaled Jinyoung to take a seat in front of them to them what’s up. Jinyoung rolled his eyes and begrudgingly complied, taking place into the front of the two boys.

“Dude. What happened,” Bambam initiated, knowing that something was wrong.

“A lot of crazy shit happened to me. You know, some weirdo told me he loved me,” Jinyoung sighed, clasping his palms together, still remembering the man’s eyes and how he said it. His voice again echoed in his ear and how he still continued to sit in the pouring rain.

“Hyung, you gotta stop calling Jaebeom hyung that. He’s your boyfriend it’s normal—”

“What?” Jinyoung stopped Yugyeom. “No! An actual weirdo fucking told me he loved me out of the blue when I was crying alone in the park!”

“Why were you crying?” Bambam was suddenly more concerned with the part that Jinyoung had been crying alone after a date with his boyfriend.

“Yeah, hyung I think you should explain that first. Why were you crying at a public park when it’s going to rain—”

“Because Jaebeom broke up with me!” Jinyoung quickly admitted. “He called me to do some tarot reading and when the results said we were ‘incompatible lovers’— he said he wanted to split,” Jinyoung kept the story short.

“Dude. That’s kinda fucked up. Who cares if you guys aren’t lovers designed by the stars!” Bambam complained.

“It wasn’t like that. Jaebeom said he’s been thinking about doing it for a long time and the reading cleared up his mind and done did it,” Jinyoung laughed, his chuckle filled with venom. It didn’t matter anymore, it won’t change. Jaebeom broke up with him because apparently, it was too hard to love him. Jinyoung shunned his head down, not wanting to give any more information. He suddenly remembered the man at the park who only cried because Jinyoung was crying.

“Uhm… Your parents called,” Yugyeom said amidst the silence. “They say you have to visit grandpa Youngjae.”

Jinyoung groaned, massaging his nose bridge in frustration. Not only did Jaebeom break up with him, now he has to visit his ailing grandfather at the hospital knowing he was going to listen to the same two stories that he would repeat over and over and say everything was alright. Nothing was, he was sick, and the doctors’ said he didn’t have much longer. Jinyoung couldn’t bear to see him, he was too much of a coward, especially now. “I’m not going,” Jinyoung stubbornly stood his ground.

“Hyung… that’s your grandpa,” Bambam shook his head, disproving of Jinyoung’s decision.

“I can’t. You know that.”

“Hyung, c’ mon you haven’t visited him since he got admitted,” Yugyeom urged his older friend to attend the old man.

“Dude. Yugyeom and I already visited Grandpa Youngjae, and that’s your grandfather. I don’t see what your problem is?”

“It’s his stories. He’s gonna tell the same stories and pretend everything is alright. He’s dying, and all he wants to do is tell me the same story I’ve heard a million times,” Jinyoung heartlessly laughed again, they knew he was lying. Jinyoung loved the stories just as much as anyone. All his life, his grandfather told him these tales that Jinyoung sat to the edge of his seat for, he couldn’t sleep for days until his grandfather finished the same story every time. It was always set in different eras but the same story every time but Jinyoung was addicted. After he had found his grandfather had to be put for bedrest, it honestly broke Jinyoung’s heart. He wasn’t brave enough for it, who will tell him the same stories over and over that seem to meet no end? His roommates were no fools, they knew Jinyoung’s fear, and it only made him weaker knowing Jaebeom, his crutch for five fucking years, isn’t going to be there anymore.

“Bullshit. Then listen to grandpa Youngjae's stories. I personally like the Angel story,” Yugyeom cocked a small smile at his older friend.

“Well it’s one or the other,” Jinyoung shook his head.

“Do you really think your grandpa knows an immortal human being?” Bambam snickered to lighten the mood.

“Do you believe ties? They’re all fairy tales.”

“They all sound so real. Don’t they?” Yugyeom starrily looked at Jinyoung.

“An Angel that turns to flower petals when he says I love you and the immortal who’s in love with him. Sure, sounds pretty realistic to me,” Jinyoung laughed, mocking his younger friends.

* * *

“You’re going to stop looking for the Angel?” Youngjae’s lips trembled as Jackson told him that he was moving back to Hong Kong, it took him probably 200 years to realize that this vicious cycle he had with Jinyoung could do so much to him. He was tired and felt he could just live quietly in Hong Kong, avoiding everything to find Jinyoung. Yesterday Jackson came to the conclusion that Jinyoung could live his life usually now without having the fate of disappearing. Jackson only nodded at his dying friend, Jackson was going to be lonely once more. He lost another friend, and there was no point in staying any longer.

“I’m sorry. How about I tell you the story of the Angel again,” Jackson wanted to change the subject to his friend’s favorite story he told.

“When will you leave?”

“Depends, probably tomorrow. Tonight. Next week. I haven’t really decided on that yet,” Jackson weakly replied.

“Will you wait until I go?” Youngjae’s words pierced Jackson. Wait. Until he died. Jackson wanted to say no.

“You’re asking an immortal human to wait for you to die?”

“No. I’m asking a friend to stay with me at my time of need,” Youngjae smiled at Jackson. “Tell me, Jackson, will I meet the Angel?”

“I’m sure you will,” Jackson patted his friend’s shoulder as he closed his eyes.

“Grandpa!” Jinyoung called to Youngjae as he opened his hospital room. Jinyoung stopped at his steps, seeing Jackson, the man, he recognizes at the park. Jinyoung was sure they were complete strangers and seeing Jackson beside his dying grandfather was a total red flag for him. “You,” Jinyoung wanted to scream for the nurses, but Jackson quickly covered his mouth and dragged him out of the room before Jinyoung could.

“Just a moment, okay, Youngjae?” Jinyoung noticed how the man talked to casually to an elderly man clearly forty times older than him. Jinyoung thought he must be crazy to be talking like that or he must be some dumb foreigner unaware of how honorifics work.

“What are you doing here? How the hell do you know my grandfather? Are you stalking me?” Jinyoung narrowed his eyes, pointing a finger straight up on Jackson’s face. The immortal gently pushed down Jinyoung’s finger away from his face.

“I’m not stalking you! Who the hell do you think you are?” Jackson retaliated, quite offended at Jinyoung’s manner of speech.

“Yeah, what about yesterday? I remember you, don’t act like it didn’t happen! You told me you loved me,” Jinyoung whispered the latter afraid of what others might hear. Jackson had forgotten he had said that all he remembered was Jinyoung was crying and Jackson cried with him. Jinyoung asked why Jackson was crying, and Jackson replied because it was hard seeing the love of his life cry— Oh my god, Jackson did fucking say that. His eyes grew in sheer panic, he had just promised himself he wouldn’t pursue Jinyoung anymore and confessing his love to him wasn’t exactly the first step to moving on.

“Can we just forget that ever happened? I wasn’t thinking straight. You clearly misunderstood!”

“No, I didn’t. I’ve never seen… so much certainty in my life,” Jinyoung paused mumbling his last words, Jackson looked confused at him wondering what could he have said. Jinyoung shook his head, knowing that was a stupid thing to think out so loudly, “Nevermind that. What were you doing visiting my grandfather?”

“He’s a friend,” Jackson came out with simple, not giving any more details than that.

“Bullshit. All of my grandfather's friends, I know, are dead or old men. You clearly aren’t either of those.”

“I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or fucking dark because you just admitted that some of your grandpa’s friends are dead.”

“It’s neither, jackass! I just don’t want to see you near my family or me!” Jinyoung angrily exclaimed at Jackson. Sure, Jackson was bound to push away Jinyoung, he was sure that he wasn’t going to fall in love with Jinyoung, not this time; as Jinyoung rejected Jackson,  he had to admit, it fucking hurt. It was always like that, stay with Jinyoung and get hurt or run away from Jinyoung and get hurt. Jackson sighed, now they were on the same page.

“I’ll leave you alone. I don’t want to see your face either, but you will not stop me from visiting Youngjae. We can arrange times, so we don’t bump into each other. Just don’t keep me away from my friend,” Jinyoung felt selfish, he didn’t want to see that guy near his grandfather, but his eyes were genuine, Jinyoung could do far worse, but he couldn’t deprive his grandfather of his friend’s visits.

“I’ll take weekends in the morning, you can visit him any other period than those times,” Jackson’s eyes widen in surprise, now they were so starry and shiny. Jinyoung has never seen such expressive eyes such as his. Jackson apparently wanted to hug Jinyoung, but it was too awkward too. He was pretty sure that this Jinyoung hated his guts, so he wasn’t too sure that a hug will ease anything out.

“Thank you,” Jackson hesitantly pat Jinyoung’s shoulder, he turned around and came back into Jinyoung’s grandfather’s hospital room. Jinyoung heard the man’s loud voice boom as he said his farewells to his grandfather. Jinyoung overlooked through the window and saw his grandfather beam in laughter and shine with such effervescent smile. Jinyoung touched his shoulder. Jackson laid his palm on, still lingering the warmth of his hand. How familiar, Jinyoung thought. His eyes laid on Jackson, his smile just as bright as his grandfather’s. Why was, did he look so sad when he looked at Jinyoung? Why did Jinyoung feel his heart strain when that man wasn’t happy with him as he was now? Unusual thoughts rushed through Jinyoung’s head but only resulted in more questions. Does Jinyoung know him?

Jackson ended his visit with Youngjae and paused at Jinyoung sitting by the benches right outside the room. Jackson held back his tongue and decided not to say anything more to him, they interacted enough already. Jinyoung lied if he said he was a bit bitter that Jackson didn’t even have the means to introduce himself or also say goodbye before he left. Why did that suddenly matter to Jinyoung? He was a stranger that Jinyoung should forget. He stood up from his seat and entered his grandfather’s room. He looked sadly at the aging old man, but his grandfather smiled at his beloved grandson.

“Jinyoung, will you listen to my story?”

“I know the story of the Angel and the story of the immortal. I’ve heard it so many times, they’re your favorite stories,” Jinyoung grabbed a small watering can by the sink and began to fill it up so that he could tend to the flowers given to Youngjae.

“Have I ever told you the ending, Jinyoung?”

“You said there was no ending because the man continued to search and search of the— Grandpa?” Jinyoung stopped as he saw his grandfather suddenly cry. He ran to his grandfather, slowly reaching to his face to wipe away his tears. “Grandpa tell me, what’s the ending of the story?”

* * *

“And he stopped looking for the Angel?!” Yugyeom blurted out, surprised at Jinyoung’s grandpa’s famed story. “No way! He can’t! He loves the Angel!” Yugyeom took the story with more hurt feelings than Jinyoung could have ever expected. When he said that his grandfather finally made an ending to his stories, he wasn’t hoping an uproar from his roommates, more specifically, Yugyeom.

“Why are you so worked up about this. It’s just a story… it’s complete fiction,” Jinyoung didn’t understand why he was so worked up about an ending to another story.

“Just a story?! Fiction?! Grandpa Youngjae has told that story to everyone a million times! He can’t just end it with ‘oops sorry, the immortal that had searched for the Angel for practically hundreds if years just to finally give up!’ No! There’s no poetic justice to either of characters. There’s no retribution or satisfaction,” Yugyeom groaned like an obsessed fanboy complaining about his favorite series’ flawed plotlines.

“Well, it’s good enough. Grandpa probably couldn’t think of a better way to end it. It’s the same thing over and over, it’s repetitive,” Jinyoung gave a counterargument.

“That’s the point! Think of the main character, the immortal man! He relives the same cycle over and over again, showing that no matter how times past and how society changes; love is always constant! He represents that humanity is so fucking crazy that the only thing keeping him sane is knowing that he has someone.”

“Jesus Christ, Yugyeom, you’re way too into an old man’s story,” Bambam spoke up, rather impressed and disturbed at his friend’s interest in a fictional story.

“Yeah, disturbingly so,” Jinyoung agreed. “So what about the Angel? What does he represent, professor?”

“He is love,” Yugyeom smiled.

“That’s boring. How come you gave the immortal character a better character analysis?” Bambam grunted, crossing his arms at Yugyeom’s lack of depth to the other character.

“No! It isn’t! The Angel is Love! Love is born into this earth, Love leaves, but it always comes back. We find Love from others. We search for Love, we yearn Love, and no matter how much we try to push away Love; Love is persistent. Love has a cycle. That’s why the immortal man is so caught up with the Angel. He is humanity yearning love.”

“Okay, nevermind that was dope,” Bambam stood corrected. “Like legit. Yugyeom did you use your last brain cells for this?”

“I see your point Yugyeom, but there’s no use in complaining about the ending. It can be angsty; a good plot twist. I can’t change that,” Jinyoung sighed, he appreciated listening to the younger’s perspective, but it was just a children’s bedtime story Jinyoung’s grandfather loved to tell. It wasn’t for a child to understand the human philosophy of love. No, it was to shut up a crying child at the middle of the night.

“That story was his life. If Grandpa Youngjae’s gonna end it like that, then he’s giving up on everything else,” Yugyeom pouted his lips.

“I’m sorry buddy, I don’t like the ending either but that’s just how it is,” Bambam slung his arm around his best friend sympathizing with the poor bloke who just made a linguistic analysis on Jinyoung’s grandpa’s children’s fairytale.

“I know… it’s just that after all that. I’m—”

“ _Scared— I’m scared.”_

_“Why don’t you want me to say it?”_

_“I’m scared of what will happen next.”_

_“Don’t be scared. You know that I would never leave you.”_

Jinyoung’s head buzzed with such familiar voices and dark surroundings that clouded his brain. He felt weak and fell off the couch and onto his knees, he felt the sounds move in fast forward and paused, stopping his heartbeat and breath. “I love you,” tears began streaming into Jinyoung’s eyes, feeling every emotion. His heart fluttered and broke at the same time; he felt like it was a dream, he slowly started to feel his legs numb, arms wobbly, and it felt like he was disappearing. Now he was falling, his heart raced, and he felt his whole body jerk himself awake. He was confused, and Yugyeom and Bambam just stared at him as if he was about to die. Jinyoung heaved, wiping away his sweat from his forehead. What just happened?

“Dude! What the fuck?!” Bambam yelled. “We were just talking about Grandpa Youngjae’s story, and then you fell to the ground like a dying cat and passed out!”

“Is that what happened? Sorry guys. I didn’t know what came over me. I heard voices, and my head got all fuzzy. I’m not going crazy, am I?” Jinyoung looked up to the two younger boys.

“Hyung, I think you’re just tired. Jaebeom breaking up with you, that whole deal with the creepy guy at the park and your grandpa in the hospital. That shit can do a lot of mental exhaustion. You should get some rest,” Yugyeom worriedly said.

“Yeah Jinyoung hyung, you got these dark circles under your eyes and their not flattering for your face shape,” Bambam added.

“Gee, thanks I feel so much better,” Jinyoung sarcastically said, rolling his eyes at the younger.

At night, Jinyoung stared up to his bedroom ceiling, waiting for himself to fall asleep. It was much harder than he thought with all the anxiety and caffeine in his body. What if he had heard the voices again, what was that thing he felt before he snapped out of it. Just before it happened, Jinyoung had felt an endless bliss that he couldn’t comprehend, but then he suddenly couldn’t feel anything as if he was vanishing with no reason. Jinyoung felt like he was going crazy, why did he feel so familiar, was it a memory? Jinyoung was pretty sure he doesn’t have any sort of memories confessing to anyone else aside from Jaebeom… and the person he was with, Jinyoung felt his heart tingle and flutter the moment he said, ‘I love you.’ He must’ve loved that person, huh?

* * *

“Green tea for your troubles,” Jackson peered up from his hands to see a cup of his favorite green tea placed in front of him. “I heard the owner is really fond of you, sir. He knows your favorite drink to cheer you right up,” The slim foreign barista said to him, giving him a bubbly smile that could make the boys and girls swoon.

“Thanks, Mark but I don’t know why you don’t refer to yourself as the owner?” Jackson blew on his hot drink before taking a small sip.

“Are you kidding me? The owner is supposed to be 50 something years old they’ll question me if I dare start calling myself that,” Mark scoffed, taking a seat on Jackson’s table. Oh yes, Mark was also immortal like Jackson. But unlike the latter, Mark was special, he had lived through the British Colonization of America and fell asleep on the day he was supposed to fight in the American revolution. More than 200 years later, Jackson found him while he was traveling back to the United States in 1994. Mark quickly adapted to his surroundings and did not really seem to care about how much he missed. Though he didn’t seem to really care when he was eternally tired and seeing how easy it was for him to sleep for 220 years, he didn’t seem to mind to sleep for 200 more. When Jackson told him he was moving back to South Korea, Mark begged to go with him, and after forging documents and an excruciatingly long plane ride, they made it. After Mark’s latest obsession with coffee and caffeine, he made a cafe which stood for more than 25 years, which was where they were now. Mark was more well-adjusted than Jackson ever was and had such childish interest, such as video games and other gadgets. Mark was also popular with younger guys and girls was an absolute tease, especially behind his barista guise.

“You’re lucky no one’s caught on.”

“People just think I’m the owner’s son. Makes sense since I have such ‘close relations’ to him,” Mark air-quoted. “Anyways, I better get back before the boss scolds me. Oh, wait that’s me—”

“I’m moving to Hong Kong,” Jackson shocked Mark as he saw his smile quickly turn severe and sat back down to see if Jackson was too.

“Haha. Listen, you know I don’t get these jokes very well. What’re you saying?”

“I’m moving to Hong Kong, and I’m not coming back.”

“So what you’re asking me to move with you? Jackson, you know I can’t do that—”

“I’m not. I’m just telling you I am.”

“W-why? It’s great here. I thought everything is fine here?” Mark stuttered.

“It is but… have I told you the story of the Angel?” Mark shook his head. “Well, I basically met the love of my life, but whenever they confess their feelings to me and say ‘I love you’ they disappear into pink flower petals and it has happened over what? 10? 15? 20? Times now, I’ve lost count. But what I’m trying to say is that every time I see them, they have the same face and same name but they don’t remember me. And I’m tired, Mark. I don’t want to keep doing this.”

“So you’re running away?” Mark simply summed up.

“It’s not running away, I just can’t keep doing the same cycle where I fall in love, and I lose him every single time. The outcomes don’t suit me!”

“That’s basically just giving up! You have the chance to be with your soulmate for the rest of your life or how long we ever last. But you’re giving up on that because it’s just too complicated for you? I could kill to be with the love of my life for the rest of this shitty immortal life. No matter what the conditions were.”

“Mark… you don’t understand—”

“What’s not to understand? You love someone, so go for it! No matter the stakes, right—”

“I can’t do it anymore!” Jackson hissed between his teeth, his eyes bloodshot, stinging for him, holding back his tears. Jackson didn’t want to make a scene, Mark could tell. “I keep losing him just when we’re at our happiness then I have to wait twenty-fucking-five years every time. It’s the same thing, I don’t want to keep doing this to him. I want him to live his life, and it’s better if he didn’t waste it on me,” Jackson hung his head down, hiding the fact his tears ran down his face. Mark only handed him tissues to wipe away his tears.

“I’m sorry, Jackson,” Mark left the other alone, giving him some space to be by himself.

The store chimes rang, and the loud, bustling noises filled the cafe. Jackson watched the people pass, and it opened the door to the familiar face of Park Jinyoung. Jackson laughed heartlessly at himself, of course, he would meet Jinyoung now. Honestly, he was more frustrated that he was surprised, how many times has this happened to him. Jackson tried to ignore Jinyoung because he didn’t seem to adamant about Jackson being here too. He sees Jinyoung whispering to his friends one foreign looking and the other one looked like an abnormally large child. They pass him, whispering things as if Jackson couldn’t hear their noisy gossip.

“That’s the creepy dude Jinyoung hyung told us about, Gyeom,” The slim foreigner snided Jackson behind his back.

“Bam, stop looking at him,” The taller commented. Jackson stood up, wanting nothing more but to be far away as possible from Jinyoung and his nosy friends. He stormed out of the cafe, Mark a bit shocked by Jackson suddenly leaving. Jinyoung was also surprised by Jackson’s sudden exit and immediately pointed blame at his two idiotic roommates.

“Did you really have to do that?” Jinyoung grumbled, lightly pushing Bambam out of his way to follow after Jackson. Jinyoung took significant strides to catch up to Jackson, who walked terribly faster than Jinyoung expected. Jinyoung pushed Jackson’s back as soon as he caught up to the smaller man. Jackson turned around a groaned to see it was Jinyoung.

“Ugh.”

“Don’t ‘ugh’ me. I wanted to apologize,” Jinyoung said, acting bashful and high strung at the same time. Jackson sighed, pushing his hands deeper into his pockets; he pressed his lips to a thin line, slightly puffing out his cheeks.

“For what, exactly?”

“I know you heard the shit my friends said and it wasn’t cool.”

“It’s fine, but you know what isn’t cool? When a person calls you a stalker for meeting once and having a simple misunderstanding. Then try to deprive them of seeing their dying friend. That is how you say, ‘not cool,’” Jackson air-quoted.

“Okay, I know you’re talking about me, and I’m sorry about that. I’m a jerk,” Jinyoung frowned.

“Yeah. I’m glad we’re on the same page. Listen it’s fine, we’ll just never meet again and go on with our—”

“Fuck. It’s my ex,” Jinyoung cursed seeing Jaebeom walking by, recognizing Jinyoung a few meters away.

“You’re what?”

“Fuck. Pretend you’re taking me out on a date.”

“What? No.”

“Please. Just. Just do it?” Jinyoung quickly wraps his hands around Jackson’s arm and carefully leaned onto Jackson’s head. As Jinyoung pulled himself closer, Jackson felt his heart skip a beat. His throat becomes dry, and his cheeks slightly blush. Jackson knows he shouldn’t be feeling this way anymore, scolding himself for falling again for Jinyoung over such simple things. Every time, Jinyoung always knew how to make Jackson fall in love with him.

“Jinyoung. Funny seeing you here,” Jaebeom greeted, but his eyes fall to Jackson silently freaking out on the inside as Jinyoung hung his body over him. “Hi,” Jaebeom awkwardly waved to Jackson.

“You know I live around the area. What are you doing here?” Jinyoung lifted his head off Jackson’s and answer his ex with such venom in his voice that even Jackson has never heard.

“Uh… I was going to call, but you told me not to. I wanted to drop a message at the cafe you always go to…”

“Cut to the chase.”

“My stuff. I left some of my things back at your place, and I need them back.”

“You know where I live, you can check my garbage later.”

“Jinyoung! Don’t tell me you did something to my things!”

“Relax, I’m joking,” Jinyoung wish he did throw out Jaebeom’s garbage, but he knew that dick would be looking for it. “You can drop by my place later, but you don’t go a fucking inch near my room, and you wait with Bambam.”

“Thank you,” Jaebeom sighed in relief. His eyes fell back to Jackson, wondering who this stranger Jinyoung looked so close to. “I see you moved on quickly.”

“We broke up two weeks ago, I think I’ve had enough time to move on and like you said yourself; I didn’t love you so what’s there to move on from,” Jinyoung lied. He still hasn’t moved on, he did love Jaebeom, and it hurt like hell to pretend that it was alright in front of the guy he threw his heart for five fucking years.

“Good for you,” Jinyoung scoffed. Good for you?! Jinyoung wanted to scream,  _more like fucking great for me!_

“I’ve been doing great with…” Jinyoung stopped he realized he didn’t know the guy’s name and he had encountered him plenty of times that they were at least familiar with each other. Jinyoung nudged his fake boyfriend to answer, catching him off guard and blank at the current situation.

“Jackson! I’m Jackson. His… boyfriend?” Jackson narrowed his eyes at Jinyoung, confused whether or not he had said the right things suitable to Jinyoung’s satisfaction.

“Well it’s not official, but there are some prospects,” Jinyoung quickly added. “We’re not into labels or anything like that. Right?”

“Yes? We’re just keeping it casual like… sex,” Jackson panicked, failing to act natural. Jinyoung internally slapped himself, thinking that this was a good idea just to shove it down Jaebeom’s throat, but it apparently wasn’t the best choice to choose Jackson.

“Cool…” Jaebeom uncomfortably nodded. “No need to tell me that buddy. I’m Jaebeom, by the way, I’m also kinda Jinyoung’s ex.”

“Oh yeah! I think he’s mentioned you a couple of times before, no big deal,” Jackson forced a smile, wondering what their history was and why would he break up with Jinyoung, the most beautiful man in the whole wide world. Jackson had to admit that he was a bit jealous but seeing how Jinyoung wanted to pretend to date an actual stranger just to make himself look better in front of his ex; Jinyoung must’ve loved him to find it so hard to keep eye contact with Jaebeom.

“Ah… I hope nothing too bad. I feel bad, but we didn’t really end things very well,” Jaebeom looked sadly to Jinyoung; Jackson saw the guilt in Jaebeom eyes, he knew what they meant. He saw Jaebeom eyes still in love Jinyoung, but it was too difficult to. It was apparent to Jackson that maybe in this life Jinyoung can be happy with someone else. Jackson took Jinyoung’s hands off around his arm and looked to Jinyoung who seemed somewhat confused at Jackson.

“No, he just said some things. Not a big deal. Hey, I think… I should go,” Jackson excused himself from past lovers. “It was good hanging out with you, Jinyoung,” Jackson smiled, trying to escape but the sound of Jackson’s voice saying Jinyoung’s name felt so warm between his lips. As if he had told his names a million times and Jinyoung has only heard Jackson say it once and he just listened to his name when Jaebeom was talking to him or at least that was what he assumed.

 

_Jinyoung._

_Jinyoung ah._

_Hey Jinyoung. Jinyoung?_

_Jirongie—_

_Nyoung ah._

_My Jinyoung._

 

Jinyoung’s head suddenly fuzzed as the voices came back like flashes of old memories Jinyoung never had. Jinyoung could almost see the person calling his name, but his face was too blurry to figure out who it was. For a second, Jinyoung looked straight into Jackson’s eyes before falling to the ground as his head felt like screws were getting drilled into his head. Jaebeom caught Jinyoung and slung him around his shoulders. “Hey! Jackson! Help me with Jinyoung,” Jaebeom called. Jackson was in shock, he didn’t understand what was happening to Jinyoung. He felt his hands quiver and his palms sweaty, please be okay, Jackson chanted as he helped Jaebeom carry Jinyoung to his apartment.

Luckily, Jaebeom knew the way, and it wasn’t that far. Jaebeom even knew where the spare key was, making Jackson feel more than useless for coming here with Jaebeom. Jackson laid Jinyoung on the couch as Jaebeom made a few calls to Jinyoung’s roommates. Jackson looked back to Jinyoung’s sleeping face and was glad he was still alive. Jackson stared at Jinyoung’s face, knowing it had been far too long since he last saw his lover’s porcelain skin, his pretty long eyelashes, his soft dreamy eyes, and his naturally pink lips with a tiny mole on his upper lip. Jackson’s list wasn’t even close to finishing on the thing he loved and missed about Park Jinyoung.

Every Jinyoung was the same but different in some way. The last Jinyoung he met 25 years ago was silent and thoughtful. This Jinyoung had his high horse and at the same time gentle. Another thing about this Jinyoung was that he was in love with another person, ending Jackson’s torturous cycle, but somehow it was still torture. Jackson can’t be with Jinyoung because he might disappear and he didn’t want that anymore. Jinyoung was in love with someone else, it was fucking agony to Jackson knowing that someone isn’t him well not anymore, but he wasn’t going to act like a clingy ex. Jinyoung should move on, and so should he.

 

_“Don’t go,” Jinyoung whined as the person started to disappear. Why did Jinyoung hate that he was leaving this person, he didn’t want to. He doesn’t want them to leave, but why are they? Jinyoung felt his heart was torn apart. “Don’t go,” Jinyoung repeated._

_“But you’re the one who’s leaving,” Jinyoung was surrounded by a multiple of this person circling around Jinyoung all saying the same thing in perfect unison. “You’re the one who’s disappearing. Park Jinyoung,” They were right, Jinyoung slowly saw his hands and feet start to fade, spreading faster and faster until he was finally—_

 

“AAACK!” Jinyoung screamed, springing up from the couch. It’s dark, making him think how long was he out. Jackson frowned, always surprised by Park Jinyoung. The younger was sweating bullets, and his throat was so dry he felt like he was stuck in the fucking desert for a year. “What happened to me?” Jinyoung asked.

“You passed out, and your ex and I had to carry you to your apartment. Your ex then called your roommates to tell them what happened and they came running. Uh, after that he told me to stay with you until you woke up and he left with a box with what I assume are his things? You didn’t wake up after 5 hours so your roommates, Bambam and Yugyeom, right? Then they called it a night, figured you would just sleep through the night. 2 hours after midnight, you’re awake, and I’m here. I know you don’t want me here. I was going to leave as soon as you woke up anyways so—”

“Wait. I’m not gonna send a guy out at 2 am. You can spend the night here,” Jinyoung patted the empty space on the couch for Jackson to sit. The latter seemed skeptical but complied, either way, sitting right next to Jinyoung on the sofa. Jinyoung stared at Jackson, knowing there was a sort of familiarity that Jinyoung couldn’t wrap his finger around.

“Are you just gonna stare at me all night or? Because I won’t rob the place if you fall asleep,” Jackson raised his hands in defense. Jinyoung’s eyes followed down to Jackson’s hands, they were big. Not that was a bad thing, but it made Jinyoung curious, how nice it must feel to hold his hands. Jinyoung shook his head at the afterthought of holding Jackson’s hand, given the relationship they weren’t the position to hold hands so suddenly.

“Park.”

“Huh?”

“I’m Park Jinyoung. I never realized that I never introduced myself. I’m Park Jinyoung,” Jackson already knew that.

“I’m Jackson. Wang. Uh, so what now? Do we handshake?” Jackson panicked with his hands, not knowing what to do next with Jinyoung.

“Here,” Jinyoung took Jackson’s right hand into his and firmly shook. Jackson reeled away from Jinyoung’s hand, his fingers brush Jinyoung’s palm and Jinyoung feels a strange sensation of wanting more. Jinyoung knew the handshake was… mediocre at best and Jackson was too awkward to even know how to do it properly, but somehow Jinyoung liked Jackson’s touch, how strange? They sat once again in silence, both staring at the same wall, both too awkward to carry a conversation. “Have I ever met you a long time ago or something and just forgot?” Jackson nervously looked around, looking like he wanted to avoid the subject as Jinyoung asked.

“N-no?” Jackson was sure that Jinyoung could never regain his past memories from his previous lives, so he was convinced that they first saw each other at the park in Jinyoung’s current life.

“Huh. I guess my head is still foggy from that headache,” Jinyoung really could’ve sworn to have met Jackson somewhere in the past? But maybe he was just thinking things again.

“Are you sure you want me to stay here? I can go if you want—”

“No! I want you. To stay. I want you to stay. It’s bad enough we had a shitty start. Again sorry about everything, I even pushed you to pretend to go out with me. It’s not normal. Sorry, I’m kinda fucked up.”

“I can understand complicated. Fucked up? More like every Tuesday for me. Do you think this is crazy? Try being me,” Jackson laughed.

“I guess weird shit started to happen to me because of you, huh?” Jackson looked at Jinyoung, almost feeling really bad at him. “Not in a bad way. I don’t know. There’s something about you that makes me really curious about you. Like I have this weird feeling that I know even though I clearly don’t. Freaky, right?”

“Definitely,” Jackson leaned his head back to the couch. Jinyoung scooted closer to Jackson, clearly wanting to say something. “Yes, Jinyoung?”

“I know this sounds crazy and all but do you wanna go out?”

“Right now? Like where do you wanna go?” Jackson obviously not getting the connotation that Jinyoung had meant.

“No. I mean do you wanna maybe start dating?” Jackson jumped from his seat, just a few days ago Jackson could’ve sworn that Jinyoung hated his guts but now at 2 in the fucking morning, Jinyoung asks him, Jackson, a guy who Jinyoung thinks has learned his name only a few hours ago, to go out with him. Jackson knew that no matter what Jinyoung would fall in love with him, but this was too forced and too unreal. Usually, they would take it slow, and it would naturally bud into romance, Jackson never pushed being flirting as a first and would enjoy what he had with Jinyoung. This was unexpectedly new.

“Ok, wait. I don’t get it. Why so, suddenly?”

“At first, I thought you were kinda weird but then I thought it was just me being weird about it. Plus I want to get to know you more.”

“We can just stick as friends… We haven’t even gone on a date it’s weird to just start it like that…” Jackson sighed.

“I guess you’re right. You wanna go on a date?”

“Right now? At 2 am? Where would we even go—”

Jackson sat on those spiny counter chairs located inside Jinyoung’s local 7-eleven. Jinyoung was at the register paying for their hard-boiled eggs and triangle kimbap. At first, Jackson didn’t believe Jinyoung when he told him to grab his jacket, and they would go out on their first date to end up at 7-eleven eating junk food at, now, 3 in the morning. Jinyoung came back from the cashier and placed the plastic bag filled with their snacks on the countertop.

Jackson first grabbed the hardboiled eggs, and Jinyoung followed the same suit. Jackson skillfully cracked the egg faster than Jinyoung picking out the tiny bits of the shell off. The immortal split the egg from the yolk and handed it the whites to Jinyoung, taking Jinyoung’s hard boiled egg off his hands. “How did you know that I don’t eat the yellow part of the egg?” Jinyoung asked, biting into the egg Jackson gave him. Jackson stopped from peeling the egg, he knew that it had been a habit of the last Jinyoung to never eat the yolk in hard boiled eggs that they would fight about how Jinyoung was wasting the egg. In the end, Jackson always took out the yolk for Jinyoung that it became a sort of an automatic thing that Jackson did.

“Oh, I didn’t. I just guessed,” Jackson lied terribly luckily Jinyoung bought it anyways.

“When I was a kid, the first time, my grandpa saw that I didn’t eat the yolk he told me there was a time that there was this immortal being that scolded an Angel for never eating their yolk. It was a weird thing to tell a story about, but he looked pretty amused when he told it to me,” Jackson remembered that. He had a big fight with Jinyoung that he stormed out of their apartment and immediately started to rant to Youngjae about it, the old man would respond with his boisterous laughter and tell Jackson that he was overreacting. In the end, Jinyoung and Jackson laughed it off, and Jackson would even peel the egg for Jinyoung. Jackson’s mouth curved into a smile remembering the fond memories he had with past Jinyoung. “You probably did that too.”

“Did what?”

“Peel your ex’s hard boiled egg and take out the yolk,” Jinyoung shoved the rest of the egg white to his mouth while grabbing a triangle kimbap with his other hand.

“You could say that,” Jackson picked out egg crumbs on the corner of Jinyoung’s mouth. “Ah. Sorry,” Jackson apologized for his sudden touch.

“It’s okay. You sure act like a mom.”

“Well you wouldn’t date your mom, would you?”

“As much as she’s a lovely woman. No. I wouldn’t fuck my mom,” Jackson cracked up, it was the exact same words that Jinyoung in the past had said to him. Jackson’s laughter died down as he saw Jinyoung gazed at him with such fascination.

“What?”

“Nothing, your laugh is cute,” Jinyoung softly giggled.

“That’s new,” Jackson smiled widely.

“It’s normal to compliment someone your dating, isn’t it?” Jinyoung bashfully looked away.

“I guess it is. Thank you.”

“For what?”

“The compliment. Your laugh isn’t so bad either,” Jinyoung giggled at Jackson, sharing another fond memory that Jackson could keep.

* * *

“You guys are what?” Bambam almost dropped his coffee mug to the floor.

“Dating. We’re dating, Bam,” Jinyoung stuffed his face in fried eggs they cooked when they got back at 6 am, talking endlessly about everything and nothing at the same time that they had not realized that the sun would come up soon. As soon as they came back to Jinyoung’s apartment, Jinyoung immediately charged to the kitchen to fix himself some breakfast.

“I heard you, but why?”

“Because why not? A lot happened last night.”

“Don’t tell me you guys fucked—”

“No, not really,” Jackson butted in but earning Bambam to side eye the elder.

“I don’t trust him, hyung! No offense,” Bambam indiscreetly pointed straight at Jackson.

“None taken,” Jackson continued to eat his fried eggs.

“Bambam, Will you please stop overreacting. It’s not that bad, alright? Jackson’s a pretty good guy, and I like him,” Jinyoung pointed his fork at the younger.

“You are such a fucking liar. I’m going to work now,” Bambam grunted at the elder as he stormed out of their apartment, slamming the door behind him. Jinyoung didn’t retaliate anymore, and they continued to eat in silence. Yugyeom came out of his room, uncertain on what just happened. The youngest didn’t want to comment any further and stayed in his office for the time being.

“Jinyoung… I think he’s right—”

“Do you want to go on our second date?” Jinyoung stopped before Jackson could continue.

“Uhm, I’m going to your grandfather later, so…”

“Great, we can go together—”

“Ah. Jinyoung, I better head home first. I need to change, you know?” Jinyoung stared at him with his blank pouty face until it finally clicked. Jinyoung had been keeping Jackson for the whole day yesterday, Jinyoung shyly nodded as a sign to let Jackson go for now.

“Give me your number so I can call you when I get to the hospital…”

“Alright,” Jackson took out his cellphone and handed it to Jinyoung. Jackson smiled as he looked over Jinyoung’s shoulder, watching him copy Jackson’s number to his phone. “Did you get it all?” Jackson asked when Jinyoung seemed to be taking it a bit longer than copying a phone number should. He saw that Jinyoung was flipping through his phone and shrieked at the mortal’s actions. “Aah! Don’t look through my phone!”

“You literally have no photos, and your phone is saved with contacts with no names, plus the only game you have is Tetris. There’s not much to look at…” Jinyoung obviously judged the contents of Jackson’s cellphone. “What’re you an old man?” Jackson hissed at the last verbal hit, technically Jackson was if you considered his age to which he even forgot, but an immortal being doesn't have any concept of age and time was irrelevant.

“Well maybe I’m not fucking obsessed with my phone like you kids,” Jackson hissed, grabbing his phone back from Jinyoung.

“Hah? I’m 25, my roommates are the children in this household… Wait, how old are you?” Jackson wondered that often too, physically he was 25, mentally he was probably a thousand years old but who’s to say when you have lived for so long.

“I’m 25,” Jinyoung saw through his bullshit.

“No way. You are not 25.”

“Yes, I am.”

“I never thought we would be the same age. Finally, I’m taller than someone my age,” Jinyoung directly hit Jackson where it hurts. Yes, he knew he was shorter than Jinyoung, but he didn’t have to rub it in every single reincarnation. Probably it was a set trait that every Jinyoung reincarnation gets; the utter smugness of their apparent height different.

“Yeah and I’m leaving. It’s better if we just break up…” Jackson stood up; grabbing his jacket and headed straight for the door.

“I’m kidding! Jackson, don’t be mad!” Jinyoung cackled.

“I’m not mad, I’m fucking pissed.”

“Sseunie, I didn’t mean it like that!” Jackson’s cheeks burned by Jinyoung’s new given nickname of his. The edges of Jackson’s mouth cracked to a small smile which broke through his fake angry expressions. “Hehe, Sseunie smiled.”

“Whatever! I’m leaving!” Jackson announced his exit, just before he closed the door, Jinyoung stopped the door and quickly pecked Jackson on the lips; surprising both of them at the process. “Jinyoung—”

“Jackson, I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah… See you later…”

“Good and Jackson?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” Jinyoung smiled and closed the door just like that. Jackson’s eyes at Jinyoung’s sudden confession. Why so, suddenly? Jackson’s panic surged through him and quickly banged on Jinyoung’s apartment door; he couldn’t disappear now. Jackson felt his worry rush over when his lips quivered in fear, he couldn’t lose Jinyoung just yet.

Jinyoung opened the door with worry in eyes, wondering what happened to Jackson, it was if he had seen someone die before his very own eyes. Jackson screamed at Jinyoung when he answered the door. “You’re still here?!” Jackson yelled, genuinely shocked that Jinyoung was at his own home.

“I… never really left, you know that, right?”

“But you said I love you?” Jackson’s eyes quaked.

“I love you too, is that what you wanted to say?” Jackson screamed again when Jinyoung said that particular phrase.

“I don’t understand… why are you still here?” Jinyoung was taken aback by Jackson’s comments, what did he mean why was he still here? Was he supposed to be somewhere else? Jinyoung reached out to Jackson’s shoulder to ask him what he said. Jackson looked at Jinyoung straight in the eye, startling Jinyoung in the process. “I… I gotta go. I think I need a nap. Staying up last night was not a good choice for me, huh? I’ll see you later,” Jackson laughed, running away as he left Jinyoung in a daze.

“Hyung, what was all that about?” Yugyeom came out of his room to check up on Jinyoung standing perfectly still at their entrance. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I think so?” Jinyoung looked behind him, replaying Jackson’s shocked expression. What was his problem?

* * *

“Then he said I love you! Mark! He said I love you!” Jackson practically screamed in their video call. Mark showed the least bit of interest, and he wasn’t entirely keen on Jackson’s complicated love life or perhaps curse. Jackson only ever told him about it yesterday as they spent 25 years together not once did he ever mention he had someone like that. Now suddenly that’s all Jackson could ever talk about. Jackson brought Mark up to speed when he first called him and screamed HE SAID I LOVE YOU in his ear. Mark kept asking questions in between to the point where Jackson had to start from the very beginning to how they met. It took Jackson nearly four hours to tell the complete story, including every interruption from Mark whenever he had the chance to heckle at Jackson’s story.

“You know. I don’t see the big deal. That means Jinyoung won’t disappear and you can spend the rest of his mortal life with him,” Jackson paused, was that what he wanted? Watch Jinyoung grow old and die as he continued to live? There was a big possibility that Jinyoung may also not come back like usually did. He was torn… spending eternity with Jinyoung but having him disappear at words of I love you or was it better spend one last lifetime with him knowing that he may never come back as Park Jinyoung. In the end, Jackson will always have the feeling of loneliness in his mind, well, Jackson is lonely. “But that’s not what you want, right?”

“I don’t understand why does Jinyoung have to leave every time.”

“You’re seeing him later, right?” Jackson nodded. “Maybe he said it by mistake, what if he doesn’t actually mean it. You know—”

“I know Jinyoung, he isn’t the sort of person to throw around that kind of words,” Jackson quickly defended.

“Fine. Let’s say you’re right. What will you do?”

* * *

“Jackson, there you are. I tried calling you—” Jinyoung wanted to scold Jackson for being almost five minutes late for their visit to the hospital; Jackson, unaware, walked past Jinyoung as if he didn’t see him at all. Jinyoung pulled on Jackson’s arm to snap him out of his current daze. “So you’re gonna ignore your boyfriend now?” Jinyoung pouted.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you,” Jackson’s eye bags were more distinct, did he not rest at all? Jinyoung worriedly looked at Jackson.

“I was standing right in front of you…” Jinyoung pouted.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t get to rest at all. I still haven’t slept… There are so many things going on through my mind— Jinyoung, have I ever told you how pretty you are?” Jackson suddenly stopped at his words to compliment Jinyoung.

“I don’t believe so…”

“Have I ever told you how happy you make me?”

“Jackson, I honestly don’t think that matters,” Jackson gazed deeply in Jinyoung’s eyes, quite serious with what he was asking. “No, you haven’t.”

“Have I ever told you that I’m sorry that you have to live your life like this?” The last question was the strangest out of the three and the most cryptic. Jinyoung didn’t understand why Jackson was acting so weird, but when did he never act so strange. Jackson smiled like a giant puppy making Jinyoung shy as the apples of his cheeks tinted to his natural pink.

“Has anyone told you are the craziest person alive?” Jinyoung giggled, grabbing Jackson’s hand, intertwining into his fingers.

“You are the reason I’m losing my mind and the only reason, I continue,” Jinyoung burst out in laughter, how cheesy, he thought. Jackson laughed with Jinyoung and thought there was more to it like this morning Jackson suddenly reacted when Jinyoung said I love you to him. Even now, Jackson was hiding something, like he had something to say. “Jinyoung ah. Can we not tell Youngjae that we’re dating. He’ll scold me for dating his grandson,” Jackson cheekily said.

“It’s fine; we don’t have to hide.”

“It’s not that, your grandfather is very upset with me for not… uh, going out with this particular person and I don’t want him finding out this relationship.”

“Why does he care about your love life?”

“This person is sorta bound to me, and I liked them, but I just don’t think I’ll be able to keep them? Does that make sense?”

“Oh, you mean like an arranged marriage or something? Why does my grandfather have to care about them?”

“He’ll just be upset if he finds out I’m dating you. You’re really important to him, and I don’t want to stress him out!”

“Alright, dork. I won’t tell you. But you have to buy me coffee,” Jinyoung huffed, walking ahead of Jackson.

“What you want a third date too?”

“Make it four, you’re gonna buy me dinner!” Jackson sighed. He realized Jinyoung was already way too ahead of him and ran after the taller man.

* * *

“Grandpa!” Jinyoung happily greeted Youngjae.

“Jinyoung, how nice of you to visit. Ah! Jackson!” Youngjae excitedly waved to his longtime friend who stood away a good foot away from Jinyoung. “As if coming every day wasn’t enough for you.”

“It’s always good to see you too,” Jackson hugged the elderly man. “You’re looking pretty well, when are you getting outta here?”

“Haha, you know that’s not going to be for a long time,” Youngjae weakly laughed.

Jackson seemed like a different person with Youngjae, well actually not that different. Jinyoung knew that he was still the same energetic guy, a friend to literally anyone, but when it came to Jinyoung he felt like Jackson was dealing with something so fragile, he was cautious. Back at the convenient store, every time Jackson made Jinyoung laugh, Jinyoung could see the glitter in his eyes as Jackson saw Jinyoung’s crinkles, his hearty laugh and how Jinyoung didn’t cover his laughter with his hand as Jinyoung usually did with other people. He saw Jackson’s tiny smile like he was taking a picture of every moment he had with Jinyoung. It’s not like it was terrible… it was just different. Jinyoung had seen a new Jackson who only made him more intrigued.

His touches were light too, he could see Jackson lightly playing around with his grandfather and how familiar their actions were. Jackson was careful, the way he would pick crumbs at the corner of Jinyoung’s mouth or how he held his hand, he didn’t squeeze his hand like Jaebeom always did. As they walked hand in hand, Jinyoung could feel Jackson’s thumb softly caressing the back of Jinyoung’s hand, which somehow soothe Jinyoung as they walked.

Jinyoung then became curious if he also did it to that person, that person that Jackson is supposed to be with. He wondered if they ever held hands as they did or if Jackson separated the yolk from the white in the hard-boiled egg for them. It wasn’t like Jinyoung was jealous of that person, he just wanted to know why Jackson didn’t seem to keen about being with them. He said he loved them. That should be enough, right? Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrows in thought as the air around him grew dark why should he care about that? Jackson was with him, and that’s all it matters.

“Jinyoung?” Jackson worriedly called out with Youngjae carried the same expression towards his grandson.

“Jinyoung are you alright?”

“I’m fine. It’s not a big deal, grandpa.”

“Alright if you say so,” Youngjae nodded, skeptical whether or not he should trust his grandson’s words. “Jackson, did you know Jinyoung has a boyfriend?”

“O-oh!” Jackson acted shocked as if he didn’t know.

“Grandpa…”

“Well, you don’t bring him here anymore. I liked him, his name is Jaebeom, you know,” Youngjae lightly hit Jackson on the chest as he continued to share about his grandson.

“Grandpa, will you please stop?”

“Why not? Jaebeom was a good boy. They dated for more than five years, you know? Soon it’ll be six, right? Why don’t you bring Jaebeom anymore?”

“Because— He’s busy… he’s busy, grandpa. I’ll ask him,” Jinyoung fakely smiled as Jackson pondered for a long while why did he have to lie about them still being together but it shouldn’t bother Jackson, should it?

* * *

“You know the owner of this place?!” Jinyoung laughed as he pushed open the door to Mark’s cafe. “Isn’t he like 50 or something?” Jinyoung snickered in disbelief; more like a 250-year-old man with a mentality of a college boy, Jackson mentally corrected.

“No, his son and I have been friends since forever,” Jackson couldn’t believe that he was going along with Mark’s guise of him being the son of the cafe’s owner. No one would ever think that Mark a young man who didn’t look a day over 20, was the owner of a long run cafe that had been open before he was believed to be born.

“Oh, are you talking about Mark? He’s pretty infamous,” Jinyoung told Jackson as they walked towards the line and looked up to the menu even though they always bought the same drink.

“Yeah? For what?”

“He’s known for breaking hearts and not giving a shit at the counter. People like looking at him because he’s really pretty. My roommates, Yugyeom and Bambam, both had crushes on Mark at the same time and competed for his feelings. They both got rejected,” Jinyoung laughed, remembering how his roommates tried their hardest to court the American barista only just to find out that he couldn’t even recognize their faces.

“What about you? Did you have a crush on Mark?”

“He’s pretty, I guess,” Jinyoung shrugged.

“Me or Mark? Who would you choose?” Jackson pretended to act cute while sending tiny hearts at him. Jinyoung looked visibly disgusted like he was about to throw up. “Fine, don’t choose. Jerk.” Jinyoung giggled at Jackson pouting.

“Of course I’ll choose you.”

“What bullshit.”

 

“Hey Mark, the usual and uh… what about you, Jinyoung?” Mark’s eyes grew as he saw the man that Jackson had only been talking about for a good whole four hours. Mark smirked at Jackson as a sign he was going to mess with him and Jinyoung just for fun.

“Lemme guess? An Americano, I know. He used to get loads of them with his boyfriend especially at this time of weather,” Mark innocently tapped on the computer, he recognized Jinyoung before as his friends used to be very weird when they came every time, and Jinyoung was always with someone when they would come.

“Yeah, no. I’ll have whatever Jackson’s having. You can cancel the Americano,” Jinyoung bitterly corrected. Mark quirked his eyebrows in surprise as he went back on the register to change Jinyoung’s order. “I always drink Americanos, you know?” Jinyoung smiled.

* * *

“Blech!” Jinyoung hated the bitter taste of the green tea that Jackson really loves. “This is so gross,” Jinyoung wanted to spit out the tea every time he took a sip. Jackson ignored Jinyoung’s complains as he continued to drink his tea in peace. They sat beside close by the bench of where they first met and enjoyed the cold air along with their hot drinks. Jinyoung would make such dramatic sounds every time he took a sip. “How do you drink this stuff?” Jackson scoffed and shook his head, reminding him of how even the past ‘Jinyoungs’ he has met never really understood his love for herbal green tea. Jackson laid his head on the crook of Jinyoung’s shoulder, watching the people past by them. Jinyoung continued to drink while still making his disgusted noises.  

 

_“Blech! This is so bitter!” Jinyoung whined._

_“Why are you forcing yourself to drink it then if you don’t like it?” Youngjae sighed, taking away the green tea from Jinyoung so that he wouldn’t complain every time he forcibly sips from the cup._

_“I want to! I have to like it!” The 18-year-old boy announced grabbing the cup back. He chugged the rest of the contents until it was all gone. Jinyoung then made big ingenuous noises of him throwing up the disgustingly bitter tea._

_“Jinyoung! Why would you drink all of that?!” Youngjae fearfully screeched as his best friend finished his cup. “You know you don’t like why are you drinking it?!”_

_“Don’t be a baby, Youngjae! All the grown-ups we know drink this garbage.”_

_“Yeah, but we don’t have to…”_

_“This is Jackson’s favorite tea. I want to be able to drink it for him!” Jinyoung grinned._

_“But you know you don’t have to like everything he does… Right?”_

_“No, I know, but I want to know what he likes and enjoy it with him. Isn’t that stupid? I want to learn why he loves things like these so much,” Jinyoung widely smiled as Youngjae furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. At first, Jinyoung’s feelings for Jackson had become so unexplainably big that he was smitten with everything Jackson did, and he found himself intrigued by the older man. After Jackson’s therapy sessions with Jinyoung’s mother, Jinyoung would quietly sit and wait at the entrance to see Jackson off. His warm smile filled Jinyoung with so much joy that he couldn’t explain why he would feel that way for a boy._

_After school, when Jackson didn’t have any appointments, Youngjae and Jinyoung would always stop by Jackson’s house to do their homework. When Jinyoung was done, he would often find him staring at Jackson studiously writing on his journal, writing whatever he was ever writing in Chinese. The older man would lick his lips as formed the words in Chinese as he wrote and sip his teacup filled with that bitter tea. Jinyoung would sometimes peek through his notebook only to be immediately scolded by Jackson. Jinyoung was ultimately curious about the man, and he made Jinyoung feel._

_“Jinyoung, isn’t it because you love Jackson?” Jinyoung tilted his head._

_“I am?” Was it because Jinyoung was in love…_

 

Jinyoung dropped his beverage cup of tea as he saw a vision of his memory. No… It was not his memory, it was someone else’s. Or so he believed. He doesn’t remember anyone by the name Youngjae except for his grandfather. The face was so vivid, and he could still feel the other memories resurface. Jackson snapped his head, surprised when Jinyoung dropped a large cup of green tea to the ground. Jinyoung even did not realize what happened, he was still in the daze, confused what happened. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember the name of the man that person of whose memories Jinyoung saw. It was all a big fuzz to him and felt his vision blur.

Jinyoung felt a stabbing pain from his head like his mind was being electrocuted a million watts. “Jinyoung!” Jackson’s voice became so far, and his vision shrouded in darkness. He couldn’t see anything but the glooming abyss his mind created. “Jinyoung!” Jackson’s voice called again, creating a tiny light as Jackson called him back again. “Jinyoung! Jinyoung!” Jackson chanted; the light became closer and brighter. The light became so close that Jinyoung turned away from light and felt a finger poking his cheek. Jackson smiled, his finger still poking on Jinyoung’s cheek. “I got you.”

“Yeah… you got me,” Jinyoung looked at Jackson in awe.

“What happened to you? You spilled your tea, literally,” Jackson picked up the paper cup and lid that fell on the ground for Jinyoung. “Geez, what are you? Five?” Jackson laughed as the latter felt his eyes water and tears fell unconsciously, startling Jackson even more. “Hey! No! It’s okay! I can buy a new drink! Don’t cry,” Jackson panicked as he tried to find a tissue to wipe away Jinyoung’s tears.

“Why am I crying?” Jinyoung flinched, realizing his tears. Jackson grabbed the tissue in his pocket and wiped away Jinyoung’s tears, Jinyoung stopped Jackson’s hand, he furrowed his eyebrows carefully studying Jackson’s face. “Why do you still treat me like a child?”

Jackson’s face became pale white, the sunlight glared in his eyes and saw Jinyoung, but a different Jinyoung. It was Jinyoung, the 16-year-old boy that fell in love with him. His summer uniform that was too cold for this weather flowed openly revealing most of his scrawny chest as he had it when he first confessed. Jackson pushed away Jinyoung, remembering the fact he took away a young boy’s life so many years ago. “Fuck!” Jackson cursed as he realized that that wasn’t the Jinyoung 60 years ago but the Jinyoung now. “I’m sorry! I didn’t know what came over me—”

“Jackson?”

“I’m sorry. I… I won’t do it again,” Jackson looked down at the back of his hands, tightly gripping his pants as he shunned his head down at Jinyoung.

“You’re fine, Jackson. I think it’s best if we move dinner to another time,” Jinyoung tiredly admitted.

“Rain check?”

“Definitely.”

* * *

“Jackson! Jackson! Jackson!” The children chanted as Jackson carried happily played with the kids at the hospital playground. He made sure he wasn’t too rough and was gentle with the children as they were mostly patients. Jackson smiled at their cute little voices calling out Jackson’s name. Jinyoung watched Jackson play with his grandfather sitting beside him by the bench. Youngjae smiled while watching Jackson interact with the kids and beamed back to Jinyoung.

“You’ve been coming around with Jackson lately. How’s work?”

“Work’s fine. I’ve been taking it easy to take care of you though and Jackson? We just bump into each other a lot,” Jinyoung half-lied, Jackson would text him that he was going to visit Youngjae and Jinyoung agreed to meet each time he asked. They would consider it as dates, but Jackson never took Jinyoung out for that dinner, not that they ever spoke of it again. But this worked. Though the dates were mostly Jackson talking to Youngjae about literally anything or Jackson would play outside with the children like he did today.

Jinyoung and Jackson had been avoiding each other despite being together for three hours every day. Jinyoung wondered if Jackson had forgotten that they were dating, but it would be weird to kiss each other goodbye to someone that they weren’t dating. Jinyoung probably the space between them was because they were still merely acquaintances and only learned about each other through other people mainly through Youngjae.

“Have you been in contact with Jaebeom? I bet he’s jealous that you’ve been hanging out with Jackson,” Youngjae snickered.

“No. He’s been giving me some space, and he doesn’t seem to care.”

“Why? Did you guys fight?”

“No. We’re good,” Jinyoung lied through his thick skin, he still didn’t have the heart to tell him that he and Jaebeom broke up nearly a month ago.

“That’s good to hear.”

“Mr. Choi? Your doctor’s checkup; it’s been moved up. I’m here to take you,” A nurse came out to call on his grandfather’s appointment.

“I see, thank you,” The nurse ushered him to a wheelchair and helped him to the seat. “Tell Jackson, I’ll be going ahead. You kids don’t have to wait for me after my appointment. I’ll see you later okay?”

“Okay, grandpa. Hope it’s good news,” Jinyoung bid farewell to his grandfather as he was wheeled to his next checkup. Jinyoung looked back to Jackson would have been too absorbed with playing with the kids. He made dramatic expressions and exaggerated his hand gestures; his actions would seem like he was captivating the children with a story of some sorts. Jinyoung stood up and walked closer to observe Jackson continue his tale.

“—His lover couldn’t even kiss him for the last time as the Angel confessed his love and disappear to tiny pink petals. The lover was sad, and he was not discouraged; he made it his vow to find the Angel, again and again, to express how much he was in love with him. When his lover found the Angel again, they would fall in love again. The end,” Jinyoung only heard the final parts, but it sounded exactly like his grandfather’s story. Jinyoung smiled, of course, his grandfather would tell Jackson that story. To what person didn’t he show it to?

“My grandfather used to tell that story to me,” Jinyoung laughed as he approached Jackson from behind making him jump in surprise. “It used to take him two weeks to finish the whole story because of how long it was, and he would repeat it again once he was done.”

“He always loved that story,” Jackson laughed.

“Yeah. My roommates love that story too. Yugyeom made some deep character analysis about the protagonist being love and humanity. As the angel is love that humanity craves a.k.a the immortal,” Jinyoung explained.

“Wow. Uh. I never thought about it that way.”

“Neither did I.”

“It’s a stretch, but I can see where he would think that. No. The more I look at it, the more I pity the Angel. Disappearing and the peak of your life? I’d rather just let Angel go instead of wasting my time trying to find him again and again. They don’t deserve that.”

“Really? I think the immortal has it harder. Isn’t it frustrating to stay so in love with someone for that long? And to wait for them? Hell no. And when they even meet the Angel doesn’t even remember anything. Like the immortal has suffered through some fucked up shit and the love of his life doesn’t even remember a single thing.”

“It’s better that way…”

“I don’t think that’s fair.”

“Well it’s not fair to you— I mean the angel. Because the immortal keeps taking away their life…” What was the point of arguing, if Jinyoung knew that he was the one in the stories he would immediately hate Jackson for taking away his life over and over just because he was so selfish in loving him? Jackson clenched his fist, trying to keep it in. “Where did Youngjae go?” Jackson noticed the bench empty, and his friend nowhere to be found.

“Grandpa had a checkup; said we can go now,” Jackson nodded his head as Jinyoung relayed his grandfather’s message.

“He said that? Alright. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Jackson… about the story. I do believe there’s one good thing about grandpa’s stories.”

“What’s that?”

“They fell in love with each other over and over again just like it was their first time. Not many people can do that you know,” Jackson grinned at the taller man.

“I guess you’re right there.”

 

Usually right after they would part from the hospital, they would go in their separate ways and not talk until the next day arrived. They already had said goodbye, but it was awkward to acknowledge the fact they were heading the same direction. Jackson could feel Jinyoung’s steps match up to his own behind him. Jackson looked once or twice behind him to check if Jinyoung had made a different turn, but he still didn’t, and now Jackson just kept looking over his shoulder like a total weirdo for no reason. Jinyoung sighed, thinking they would just not talk about it but it had become such a bother that Jinyoung couldn’t ignore it anymore

“I’m not following you. Just so we’re clear,” Jinyoung clarified, Jackson suspiciously over his shoulder but turned back when Jinyoung snarled at him. Jackson bumped his face to a phone post, and Jinyoung hissed in pain as he heard the clanking sound of Jackson’s face to the pole.

They stopped at the entrance of nearby convenience store for Jackson to rest and to check if his nose was bleeding or not. Luckily it wasn’t. Jinyoung told Jackson to wait outside as he would get some ice and something to drink. Jinyoung knew this convenience store like the back of his hand. It wasn’t the 7-eleven by his place, but he remembered coming here a lot with Jaebeom back when they were still dating. It was weird to memorize where each item of every snack was and how the drinks were organized. Jinyoung opened the fridge and took the last carton of strawberry milk. Jinyoung shook his head and opened the fridge door again as he remembered Jackson drank green tea and not strawberry milk. “Excuse me,” a man said to Jinyoung as he blocked his way from the fridge door. Jinyoung eyed the man as he grabbed the strawberry milk Jinyoung had just returned and looked up to see it was Jaebeom.

 _How funny are coincidences?_  Jinyoung thought. He turned away but crashed into the other aisles making chips fall from the shelves. Jinyoung, embarrassed, picked them up, and felt a helping hand give him the last bag of chips he dropped. “You buying this?” Jaebeom lopsidedly smiled.

“No. You can take it if you want,” Jinyoung coldly said, standing up and quickly moving to the next aisles.

“Jinyoung, you don’t have to avoid me, right? We can still be friends.”

“I don’t care. I’m perfectly fine with you not being in my life. Alright?”

“Alright, fine. Bambam told me about your grandfather. How’s grandpa Youngjae? Does he ask about me?”

“Yes, he asks about you! He asks about you all the time because I haven’t told him we broke up!” Jinyoung opened and grabbed a packet of ice and bottles of chilled green tea. Jinyoung stormed to the counter while Jaebeom followed behind, standing right after him at the line.

“Jinyoung…”

“Don’t fucking talk to me right now,” Jinyoung slammed his items on the counter and mad-eyed the cash register as they checked out his items. When the cashier handed Jinyoung his receipt and the obligatory ‘thank you have a nice day,’ he stormed straight out the store as he remembered Jackson patiently waiting for him. He handed Jackson the plastic bag which contained the ice packet and tea bottles. Jackson watched as Jaebeom ran out of the convenience store, grabbing Jinyoung’s arm to look at him.

“Jinyoung you don’t have to act like you fucking hate me!”

“What’s wrong with that. It’s only logical since you broke up with me!”

“Listen. I’m sorry that it had to be that way, but I still want to be friends!” Jinyoung growled in frustration as he shook Jaebeom off his grip. His eyes flared, but his teeth trembled as his lips couldn’t form any words. His anger quickly turned to frustration, not at Jaebeom but at himself.

“I don’t hate you,” Jinyoung sighed as he hugged Jaebeom. Jinyoung felt Jaebeom arms raised up, reluctant to hold him back. He could feel Jaebeom’s hand on his shoulder, lightly patting him and hushing him like a child to soothe him. “I’m just mad that I couldn’t make you stay.”

“It’s not your fault; we’re better off like this,” Jaebeom whispered; pulling away from Jinyoung. The younger nodded as painful as he knew it was he had to agree. What spark had Jinyoung ever felt from Jaebeom that made his heart linger for more? Maybe Jinyoung knew the love he had for Jaebeom was never what he convinced it to be. “Uh,” Jaebeom broke their silence and pointed straight at Jackson who awkwardly stood behind them. Jinyoung groaned in agony; he had been in such a moment that he forgot about Jackson.

 

“I know that was awkward to witness but—”

“I knew that you still liked him. I was just stupid to forget that,” Jackson opened the bottle of green tea Jinyoung had gotten him at the store. “I really thought of how quick it was when you confessed to me. But it never really occurred to me why you would suddenly want to date me or why you suddenly confessed to me. It all makes sense now. It’s all just to get over your ex. I should’ve known, right?” Jackson smiled, but it only pained Jinyoung to see such a forced smile.

“Jackson… It wasn’t like that. At first… I have to admit maybe, but then I really started to like being with you!”

“But then you said I love you? Jinyoung, you will never realize how that phrase affects me! I’d rather hear a true single I love you and see you disappear than hear a million fake I love you’s for the rest of my life. We’re done. I’m done. I never should have agreed to this… whatever this was in the first place,” Jackson stormed off, Jinyoung would’ve followed, but his knees were too weak to follow. Jinyoung’s lips trembled as his heartfelt break into tiny little pieces. Jinyoung never felt so sad in his entire life but seeing Jackson walk away from him was the most painful thing he could ever experience.

* * *

Jinyoung haggardly came back to his apartment with Bambam and Yugyeom waiting for him like doting parents waiting for their child to return late at a party. Jinyoung rolled his eyes as Bambam assumed the nagging mom position while Yugyeom was simply there, giving a ‘listen to your mother’ look at Jinyoung. “How was your date?” Bambam viciously spat at the elder.

“It was fine. We just visited my grandpa.”

“Damn! What did your grandpa say about you fucking his younger friend,” Bambam mocked?

“What is your problem?! You’ve been ignoring me for weeks, and now you pick this time to fuck—  belittle me?”

“I’m sorry but what is YOUR problem?! I’m sorry I don’t suddenly decide to date someone I barely know and only met twice prior!” Bambam’s outburst was reasonable, but Jinyoung felt sick, no he literally felt sick. He felt his stomach churn and his knees weak. He fell to the ground as Bambam continued to patronize him, “Why don’t we all date random creeps that cry for us at the park— Holy shit hyung!”

“Bambam!” Yugyeom immediately shifted the blame towards his friend.

“Dude. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean what I said, I am just worried about you—” Bambam felt so bad, crouching down to help his older roommate up.

“No…” Jinyoung pushed away Bambam’s hands away as he helped himself up. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me but ever since I met Jackson… My life has been a mess!” Jinyoung stumbled back, but Yugyeom supported him to their kitchen stool for him to sit on. “I’ve majorly fucked up, Bam!”

“That’s okay… we make mistakes, hyung,” Bambam wrapped his arm around Jinyoung’s shoulder, rubbing his side to make him feel better.

“No. It’s all my fault! I shouldn’t have ever told Jackson I loved him,” Jinyoung covered his face as he shamefully admitted.

“Oh, no, no, no, no. You didn’t tell a man you only started dating,  _I love you._  That’s some next level Disney shit, hyung,” Bambam tried his best to comfort his elder while Yugyeom clenched his teeth as he tried his best not to say a word.

“I kissed him on our ‘first date’ too,” Yugyeom unsubtly said  _‘Oh god,_ ’ under his breath, he paced around the kitchen to calm himself down, “And funny enough, after a few weeks of ‘dating’ I see Jaebeom come waltzing back into my life!” Bambam groaned at the elder. “And I’m so stupid to hug him and act all sweet with Jaebeom. I don’t even have feelings for him, but Jackson said he knew that I only started dating him because of Jaebeom and that fucking sucks!”

“Why did you continue dating if you’re over Jaebeom?” Bambam commented.

“Because… I don’t know?! He makes me happy?! He makes me feel so safe and so precious like he’s been holding onto for a hundred years, and he just gets me! I don’t know why but whenever I’m with him I don’t feel like shit!”

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Bambam sighed.

“No, it’s not your fault. I’m just so dumb. Ah—” Jinyoung hissed when his head clanged from all his distress.

“Migraines again, hyung?” Yugyeom worriedly asked.

“Yeah. You know I’ve been having dreams like I’m in someone’s life. Everything gets so clear, but one thing is still so fuzzy.”

“Woah,” Yugyeom and Bambam looked at him in awe. “Why do you think you’ve been getting these visions? Are they like your past lives or something?” Yugyeom tried to piece together.

“Freaky,” Bambam added.

“No. Well, I don’t know, but they all sound too familiar. Before my headaches would show me vague scenes of something from different eras lately, it’s getting clearer and clearer.”

“Woah… what if your past self is trying to tell you that your relationship with Jackson always had been a no-go.” Bambam concluded. Yugyeom lightly slapped the back of Bambam’s arm after his comment made Jinyoung visibly frown.

“No… I think that’s why I’ve trying to stick to Jackson a lot… he reminds me of something familiar. The more I see him, the more I feel like I know him, and it’s freaky how he knows me so well. When he broke up with me, I just felt like a million hearts before mine break. It wasn’t like this with Jaebeom. Hell, I think it’s far worse. My heart physically hurts from all this.”  

“Hyung do you think you guys are connected? Like soulmates?” Yugyeom gasped at his own theory.

“Soulmates aren’t real! If they were, how come Mark hasn’t realized that I am his soulmate?” Bambam retorted.

“Oh, get over it, Bam! You always confuse him with your overly complicated drinks, he’s not a Starbucks!”

“I like having my latte with only two pumps of caramel, two pumps of hazelnut syrup, a dash of cinnamon and soy milk,” Bambam defended. The two younger boys decided to continue bickering as Jinyoung felt his surrounding grow dark as he was sucked into the abyss. Jackson, soulmates? There was no way! Maybe Jinyoung fell for the sympathy of Jackson and tricked himself into thinking he would help get through his dumb breakup. That he pretended like his pity was an attraction.

 

The pitch black darkness cradle Jinyoung as he aimlessly walked forward, right there was a man, who had a slimmer fit from Jinyoung, knelt down on the ground. As tears dripped down the ground, rippled like a water drop as the agonizing tears continued to flow. Jinyoung bit his lower lip, slowly approaching the man but a terrible sadness came over him and was too scared to contact him. The sudden anxiety trembled Jinyoung’s hand, and he pulled away, now breathing heavily as his heart began to palpitate. The man faced his head up, and Jinyoung unknowingly did the same.

Like an old video, static noises took over the audio with a visual quality of a home video camera. Jinyoung saw tiny snippets of an ever so familiar man talking in a one-sided conversation. “Then my friend Youngjae—” The audio chopped on and off again. “He slipped on his tea set and completely washed her over with boiling hot tea!” The man’s laugh spritely warmed Jinyoung inside as his angelic laughter became clear that it was Jackson’s.

Jackson had sported a bleached blonde look with his slicked back hair, a pink button down and pinstriped pants. Although Jinyoung knew that Jackson looked utterly different from how he did now, he could clearly tell that was Jackson smiling widely and talking to him. The screen was focused on Jackson as if Jinyoung was looking through someone’s perspective.

“Do… you wanna join me?” Jackson took out his hand right in front of the screen, and a hand shyly appears taking Jackson's hand into theirs. Jinyoung watched the video fast forward and multiply into different scenes with Jackson. Jinyoung’s heart raced as he kept seeing Jackson everywhere, he heaved his breath as he wondered whose memories these came from. Jinyoung felt his stomach churn again and remembered the figure in front of him. He called for his attention and tried reaching for him, but the more Jinyoung ran to him, the farther he became. Jinyoung fell to his sides and used his remaining energy to call the attention of the figure in front of him.

He slowly turned, and Jinyoung’s eyes grew as he saw the face of the lonely figure. Jinyoung felt his entire world stop as he saw someone with the exact same face as him sadly looking upon him. Jinyoung noted he seemed very different from his clean-cut look from his doppelganger’s messy perm. His under eye circles were pretty concerning how dark and deep they were, and he also wore thick-framed glasses that only accentuated his tired aesthetic. Jinyoung felt the hairs of his nape stand. His doppelganger reached his hand forward, and Jinyoung wanted to hurl at seeing his unsightly giant wrist cuts under his long sleeves.

_Why do I only bring him pain?_

Words didn’t come out of his doppelganger’s mouth, but Jinyoung felt a voice echoed throughout the space and shook the ground below him. Jinyoung looked up at to the running memories of Jackson smiling widely at them. Did he mean Jackson? What pain did he ever cause him? “He looks happy, what are you talking about?” Jinyoung retaliated in full disbelief.

_I make him suffer every single time! How can I live like this? How can I do that?_

Jinyoung watched as his doppelganger walk towards him and caress his face. Jinyoung wanted to shake off his clone’s hand of his cheek but felt a deep pull from below like his body was holding him down.

_Don’t you remember what we did to him? Remember what you did?_

Jinyoung shook his head.

“Jinyoung ah!” Jinyoung could hear Jackson screaming his name, he wasn’t looking through a faraway screen anymore but felt his body slowly weaken. Jinyoung looks around and almost jolts at the sight of his own blood. Jinyoung can’t move, he feels Jackson tightly pressing himself onto Jinyoung’s body, and he could feel Jackson’s beating heart. It boomed from the adrenaline and Jinyoung held out his hand, cupping Jackson’s cheek as he muttered one last I love you.

Now the pain from his body started to disappear, Jinyoung sighed in relief, but he knew this sensation from before. He was disappearing, unable to feel his whole body, Jinyoung jerked up and grabbed his doppelganger’s collar. He didn’t seem to be fazed by Jinyoung’s threatening glare. “That was you! Wasn’t it? Why are you blaming me for what you did?”

_Isn’t it obvious? That’s because…_

Jinyoung was now in an only psychiatrist room with a man he somehow knew. Jinyoung wondered what situation is going on and was completely unaware of where he is. “Jinyoung, you know you’ve been real trouble? Right?” Jinyoung felt the sting of the words stab him deeply more than it should have. Jinyoung looked confused to the psychiatrist, but he merely rolled his eyes at him. “Jackson asked you to move in with him, and you spend every day with him. Are you sure you’re not causing him any trouble? He’s a very busy man, and I don’t know what makes you so special for him to keep hanging out with you?”

Jinyoung was confused, why did his heart palpitate as he felt his palms sweat. Jinyoung kept the calm exterior, his mouth could not open, and he couldn’t handle the words he wanted to scream. He didn’t have anything to say. Jinyoung knew his mind was screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs, but why didn’t anything come out.

 

“Jackson has been very handsome lately?” Jinyoung heard people gossip. It made Jinyoung boil from the words that were coming out of their mouth.

“He has! Doesn’t he look good with the new secretary?”

“Hyerim? Oh, I agree! But doesn’t he always stick to Junho’s patient?”

“The mute one? I heard they’re even living together!”

“Oh, my Jackson really is such a saint. Helping people like that, sacrificing his own time to help Junho. Isn’t he such a good man?” Jinyoung wanted to scream again. What was he a charity case? Jackson loved him, and they didn’t know. Jinyoung clenched his fist tightly as their words got to him. Jinyoung wasn’t just anything to Jackson, he didn’t need their pity. But there was no pity, there was only Jackson being put on a pedestal and Jinyoung never being good enough. Jackson did deserve more, what did Jinyoung even have for Jackson to like him? What was so good about him? What was so good about him that it was worth living for?

This pushed Jinyoung to the edge and felt the voices behind his back become louder and louder. Jackson didn’t deserve all this trouble Jinyoung caused. The mute boy would shallow his pills and eye for more in the bottle.  He could just overdose on his sleeping pills, but he stopped himself. He was stuck home all day folding laundry, he rolled Jackson’s tie beside looking up to the fan, wondering what it would be like to be hung up. Jinyoung shook his head.

Jinyoung’s mind was clouded with harmful thoughts he couldn’t bear. He was scared like he was shouting in a well, and no one could hear him. Why did he have to feel these things? Why can’t he just make these thoughts go away? Jinyoung could bear it, out of nowhere his voice picked up and screeched like he never could. His voice scratched his throat like it clawed its way out, trying to come out for so many years. He didn’t want to live like this anymore.

“What are you doing?!” Jinyoung screamed at his doppelganger as he reached for the knives. He ran to stop him, but he couldn’t reach him. “Stop this!” Jinyoung called. He looked his doppelganger straight in the eye and realized he wasn’t the one trying to cut himself. Jinyoung was. Jinyoung dropped the knife in his hands and fell down to the floor, a few moments later, Jackson came in, and the scene repeated itself. Jinyoung fought for his last breath and sat up and realized he was back surrounded by the dark.

_That’s because… you’re me._

* * *

Jinyoung couldn’t sleep for a week. Neither could he work or do anything. Jinyoung would visit his grandfather and wait for Jackson to arrive. When he did, Jackson ignored him and moved forward. Jinyoung fidgeted and trembled every time Jackson was near after that dream Jinyoung realized that was more to their relationship that Jinyoung could recognize. Did Jackson know? Did Jackson remember these memories too? Or had he always known? Jinyoung was only filled with more questions and had figured maybe the other visions he had before were also related to Jackson. What were they, Jinyoung asked? Were these his past lives with Jackson? Jinyoung bit his lower lip as the anxiety built in his brain.

Jinyoung held Jackson’s arm and stopped him out of his grandfather’s hospital room. Jackson pulled his arm away, but Jinyoung was persistent. “Jackson, listen to me! I’m sorry that I lied, but I just want to talk to you—”

“So you can lie again?! Jinyoung, I want to move on. I can’t do this anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” Jinyoung scoffed, loosening his grip on Jackson’s arm.

“You know if I knew before that you didn’t love me, then it would’ve been a fucking blast wasting all these years for you!” Jackson hissed. “Do you even remember? If you knew the slightest bit of how crazy every fucking moment was as the guilt ate me up inside, I would’ve been so happy knowing that you didn’t love me. But you will never remember, so it doesn’t matter,” Jackson chuckled softly.

“You think it’s easy for me? I was hurt too.”

“What do you know?” Jackson walked away, leaving Jinyoung in a daze. Jinyoung’s eye twitched in frustration. What did Jackson know? Jinyoung sighed as he came into his grandfather’s room. Jinyoung saw the old man looking down and slowly approached him to ask him what was wrong?

“Grandpa?” His grandfather turned in surprise, unaware that his grandson was still here. He sadly smiled at him taking Jinyoung’s hand into his own.

“What’s wrong, Jinyoung?”

“I lied to you. Jaebeom and I broke up.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but that wouldn’t make me upset me—”

“Then I made a stupid mistake of dating Jackson, and he broke up with me because I used just to get over Jaebeom and now he hates me,” Jinyoung choked up, Youngjae kissed the back of his grandson’s hand to comfort Jinyoung.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why does it have to end like this grandpa?” Youngjae looked at him, confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Why can’t the Angel and the immortal live happily ever after? Why do I have to lose you? Why do I have to hurt so many people?”

“Oh, Jinyoung. I can’t change the story. I only tell it.”

“Then, why?! Why did you have to make it nearly impossible for them to be together? Why did you tell it like they would be together forever? Why does that happen?!” Youngjae looked at his grandson, his eyes glazed with the tears that built up only waiting to fall. “Unless it’s not your story to tell,” Youngjae smiled at Jinyoung’s words. All these years he had told Jinyoung the story of the Angel was never his story, he couldn’t even tell who the author was. Jinyoung but had put the pieces together. “Is that why he visits every day? Talks to you like you’ve known each other for years before I was born and most importantly… Is that why he can tell your story as if it’s his own?” Youngjae sighed.

“Yes. I’m sorry…”

“Grandpa… what is the real story then?”

“That Jackson loved the Angel, and he can’t continue living like this…”

“No grandpa… What is the real story?” Youngjae’s eyes widened, Jinyoung knew every word his grandfather romanticized, not all of it was true and Jinyoung was sure of that. Youngjae swallowed his breath, he looked up to his grandson and smiled.

* * *

Guilt.

Every day was spent in guilt. Jiaer was paranoid, scared, and worst of all, he was guilty. He was disgusted with himself and didn’t know how he could bear it. It was the day leading up to it the centuries that was yet to come for Jiaer. It was the first day he met him.

Jiaer was a Chinese immigrant scholar that was sent to Joseon. Jiaer was 20 when he came to Joseon as he studied diligently to become a doctor for the people. His father wanted nothing more but to send him away until he became useful to him as Jiaer wanted nothing more than to be anything to his father.

He worked hard and played less like other free going Chinese rich boys. Jiaer stayed at his room studied as his host family would leave his food outside the door. One night, as Jiaer was studying, he could hear his host family arguing over the heir of the family, that he was to be wed to someone they did not know or love. Jiaer did not care and only wished the walls were thicker. Footsteps rumbled throughout the house, Jiaer opened his door, annoyed at all the commotion, but that’s where he met him for the first time. Their eyes met, and Jiaer had a strange connection to the man and allowed him to come inside his room to seek refuge. His name was Jinyoung.

Then every night became a safe place for Jinyoung. Jiaer’s host family would never check his room because they thought they would be disturbing his privacy. Usually, they didn’t talk, but Jinyoung found the literate scholar’s books and materials intriguing. Their family only allowed Jinyoung to learn about the land and their family business, but Jinyoung wanted whatever Jiaer was learning from that book. Jiaer raised his eyebrow at him and said he could have the book, Jinyoung smiled and laughed telling him that he could not read. Jiaer sighed and picked up one of his easier reading books to teach him.

By the time, Jinyoung had confessed to Jiaer, they were both 25. A week before Jinyoung had been forced to a wedding he did not want, he had snuck out with Jiaer, and they gazed at the stars wondering what life would be if their fathers did not dictate it. Jiaer smiled, he only ever wanted to be someone to his father and had nothing else to want in life. Jinyoung scoffed and said he wanted to travel and see the world instead of being trapped by every single word his parents had to say. Jinyoung was tired of being a puppet. So when Jinyoung turned to his side to meet Jackson’s eyes, it was a surprise when Jinyoung asked Jiaer to come with him to the end of the world, who was Jiaer to say no? Jinyoung smiled, and cheeks tinted red he said three words Jiaer had never thought a man should say to another man.  _I love you._  The words escaped Jinyoung’s lips.

The first time it happened, Jiaer screamed when Jinyoung had suddenly turned into pink petals as he disappeared. Jiaer had forgotten the confession and focused a man actually faded from his very own eyes. The next day Jiaer asked where Jinyoung was, and no one had known who or what he was talking about. Jiaer felt like 5 years had gone by so fast, and suddenly they had not known of the heir who was next in line. In fact, they all firmly believed that there was no heir to begin. Jinyoung was an only child and to say he wasn't real, drove Jiaer insane.

Jiaer had then realized that his life was never going to be normal after. Years past maybe 10 years and Jiaer had still looked like the same 25-year-old man that he was. His younger sister even looked older than him, he always figured that it was had to do with being blessed to have such a youthful look, but then it didn’t seem that way anymore. Scratches would disappear the next days, wounds would heal instantaneously, and he was immune to every sickness and outbreak out there. Jiaer had even held a gun to his head and wondered what would happen if he shot himself right now? Would he die? Would he feel the pain? Would he meet Jinyoung in the afterlife? All the questions he had would be answered if he just pulled the trigger. Jiaer closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he wouldn’t know if he didn’t make a chance.

Bang!

Jiaer opened his eyes as fear struck to the reflection of his mirror. Blood dripped down his face and red in his vision. Jiaer was still alive, but he now had a massive headache. Then Jiaer tried to kill himself a couple more times, and all times, he was still alive. His family called him a demon and his sister wept as they found out that the son of the Wang household had been cursed with an undying son or blessed with a powerful being that surpassed death itself. That’s when Jiaer slowly walked alone a long, long path that he had no idea where it would go. His friends would slowly die one by one, and his family leaves him until he would never come to the day that he would bury his own little sister maybe he would even have to bury her daughter and her daughter’s daughter. Until Jiaer became Jiaer no more.

So Jiaer became Jackson. It was simple, and it was a better look for him. He was no longer his father’s son, nor was he the same boy that had to follow everything his father had to tell him. He was a puppet without strings now what was he supposed to do. Jackson remembered the day Jinyoung disappeared and wished that maybe he should have been the one to go. Perhaps it would have been better that way. Jinyoung had dreams and Jackson had none. But Jinyoung was trapped like a bird in a cage and Jackson was not. How cruel life was.

On his travels, he had seen Jinyoung’s familiar face for the second time. 25 years had passed, and Jackson was ecstatic, he ran to Jinyoung and told him about everything that happened to him and the man looked at him with confusion and asked him who Jackson was. Then it hit him, this was not the same Jinyoung. It confused Jackson, he was sure that was the same face, voice, and name as the Jinyoung 25 years ago what was so different now?

Jackson’s interest was piqued, and fate followed, they met through convenient coincidences and mutual friends. They soon became close once again, and Jackson figured that this Jinyoung was not going to remember anything that happened to them almost 25 years ago. It was probably for the best, Jackson did not want his best friend to leave his side as he did 25 years ago.

Jinyoung fumbled with his cuffs and was drunk on wine. Jackson carried him to his room, and that was when Jinyoung had stolen their first of many first kisses. Jackson immediately pushed away, disgusted by the fact a man had just kiss him. Jackson grabbed Jinyoung by the collar, ready to take his anger out on him, but that was not right. Jinyoung looked Jackson dead the eye and said  _I love you_  for the second time, but it hit Jackson like it was the first. Jackson dropped him to the ground and scurried out the room, that was when Jackson learned his lesson to never leave after Jinyoung had confessed.

Jackson came to his senses the day after and thought maybe Jinyoung was drunk of out his mind to understand what he had done, but that was where the guilt started. The doors locked, and he knew he had the keys. He had told the concierge about the keys, and they claimed that they have the keys to the empty room. Jackson was confused and wondered if Jinyoung had checked out that morning and Jackson was told that there had not been anyone staying in that room for their whole stay there. Even when Jackson asked for a list of names that had been in that room, Jinyoung was none of them.

His friends started to think he was crazy and friends he had met through Jinyoung had no idea who he was. Jackson tried to piece everything together and concluded that after Jinyoung’s disappearances, he is erased from existence and Jackson was the only one that knew Jinyoung ever lived.

After the third confession, Jackson was too appalled to respond. He watched Jinyoung disappear, and Jackson would have to wait another 25 years. It drove Jackson insane, Jinyoung would disappear every time he told Jackson he loved him. He was disgusted that Jinyoung saw him like that, but it also ate him up inside knowing that Jackson caused this and it only made him crumble as he forced himself to love Jinyoung, but that still did not make him stay.

After the seventh try, Jackson gave up. He was too guarded to allow him to fall in love. No matter what Jackson would always meet Jinyoung, no matter where he was, no matter what he was doing, Jinyoung would somehow meet him and fall in love. Jackson gave up, his guilt had washed over him, and he had disguised his sin for Jinyoung to be loved. Because if Jinyoung couldn’t be free at least, he was loved. Jackson was scared too, his touches were unnatural, and his movements were rigid. He didn’t know how to love another man, but he learned how to love Jinyoung.

After the next reincarnations, Jinyoung began to doubt himself, he was shunned from the world, and no one could accept him. Jackson was his safehold, and when Jackson knew that it was already too hard for Jinyoung, he wanted him to disappear. Maybe another in another life he will be free. Perhaps another time, he will not meet Jackson. Maybe he will be happier. Jackson had already taken away so much from Jinyoung that his love was just shrouded with guilt. What was once guilt had transformed into love and had now become guilt once more. Why was Jackson the one allowed to live for eternity, it was hell. Jackson had no dream. Jackson did whatever he was told. Unlike Jinyoung, who had wants and aspirations. He was a star and angel that was caged by Jackson’s insecurities.

What was life when Jinyoung deserved it more than he did?

* * *

“So it really isn’t a romantic story, huh?” Jinyoung sat on the chair beside his grandfather’s bed. “How did you meet him?”

“Jackson was a broken man, well, he already was before I met him. He kept a fake smile, which made everyone I know feel safe. He invited me into his house one day because a town head had just died, and Jackson was a counselor that helped people get through tragic losses. So I came into his house and found a notebook completely written in Chinese. He caught me reading it and told me a story. His story.”

“Have you ever met… the angel?”

“Many years ago. Jackson often reminds me of him, he said he was my best friend, and we were stuck together like glue. I’m glad I had Jackson to remind me because I knew that I was missing something inside of me and when I hear him tell me about the Angel, I feel like that piece of me is complete,” Youngjae smiled. “I stopped feeling that way when you came into my life. You were the piece missing in my heart, and I’m thankful that you are my grandson.”

“I think it’s me. I think I’m the angel that Jackson’s looking for,” Youngjae’s eyes widen.

“How did you know?”

“You knew?” Youngjae bit his lower lip.

“I’ve always had a feeling. I wasn’t always quite sure, but what makes you say that you are?”

“I’ve been having dreams and like visions of things that happened in the past, and I feel like I’ve lived through it before. Dreams where I would disappear and how much it hurt. I don’t want to disappear, and I don’t want to lose Jackson,” Jinyoung clenched his heart as he felt a stabbing pain with just the thought of losing Jackson. “Grandpa… what do I do?”

“I don’t know… I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I don’t know. I really want to help you, but I don’t want to lose my only grandson. Not yet. I don’t want to lose you again,” Youngjae tightened his grip on his grandson’s hand.  

“And I don’t want to lose Jackson either,” Jinyoung wiped his grandfather’s tears and kissed him on his cheek. “I don’t know what to do…”  

* * *

_“You…like guys?” Youngjae skeptically asked Jinyoung. They sat in silence, covered in bruises, Youngjae tried to stop a couple of classmates from hurting Jinyoung, but in the end, he too got injured. Jinyoung was silent, he didn’t want to answer. His knuckles were bloodied from trying to fight back and his hair and uniform completely disheveled. Jinyoung had been spat at and glared by people that passed by calling him ‘a fag’ and ‘a dirty queer.’ Youngjae didn’t believe what these people were saying until Jinyoung had said it himself. “Are you… one of those… people? Jinyoung?” Jinyoung still did not answer. “Jinyoung… You have to tell me something,” Youngjae shook his best friend’s shoulder, trying to get an answer from him. “Jinyoung, listen to me. Jinyoung—”_

_“Yes! Fuck, Youngjae! I am!” Jinyoung snapped, his eyes were dried up from the tears that he cried and his hands shook as he admitted it to one of the only people that were on his side. “I’m a fag. A fucking queer and an insolent batty boy! Are you fucking happy now?! Do you want to punch me in the face too? Do you want to spit at my fucking existence too? Go ahead! Go right fucking ahead!”_

_“I don’t care Jinyoung you’re still my friend.”_

_“That’s a load of bullshit. You want to burn me at a fucking stake too just like the rest of them. Don’t patronize me.”_

_“I’m not! So what if you are! You’re still my friend, and I don’t know what I would do without you! Jinyoung please just talk to me.”_

_“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t know if I was… I was dumb and foolish. One of my dad’s soldier friends came over to keep my mother company. I told him that I had some dumb feelings about someone, and I didn’t know what I was feeling. He told me to kiss him, and he could hold me to test out what I was feeling…”_

_“Jinyoung…”_

_“And I did. I was so fucking stupid… Ugh. Then my sister caught me, and she immediately told my mom. She said I seduced him and that I was a snake. The word got out somehow, and they all started calling me names.”_

_“I’m sorry…”_

_“I didn’t even love him. I told my mom, I liked someone else, and she said to burn in hell. What do you think of me?”_

_“I don’t know what to think. I just know you’re my friend and that nothing else matters.”_

_“Liar.”_

_“Who cares what I think anyway… I’m not the one falling in love for you.”_

_“I just want to leave this place, you know? I wonder what it’s like out there. Jackson would know what it’s like to live outside of this place,” Jinyoung curled himself to his knees as he looked up to the sky._

_“Are you going to leave this place?”_

_“I have to if I want to live.”_

_“I know you can escape here and then you can finally live in peace!”_

_“Haha!” Jinyoung finally cracked a smile at his best friend. “Yeah! Also… let’s not tell Jackson about what happened today. I don’t want him to worry.”_

_“Yeah, sure! We’ll just say we fought over something again!” Jinyoung laughed and nodded as he agreed with Youngjae. “I mean it isn’t a surprise when you beat me up for burping on your food… But, yeah… Jackson doesn’t have to know.”_

_“Thanks,” Jinyoung gave a small smile as Youngjae reassured his best friend. Their silence took over and calmed the two boys into bliss when one was feeling down the other one would pick the other up. Usually, it would have to be Jinyoung. He had always stuck up to Youngjae and gave him the courage, he could never find on his own. Jinyoung was the piece that made Youngjae feel like he was needed by someone. Youngjae placed his hand on his best friend’s hand, they shared a look and continued in silence._

* * *

“Watch out!” Jackson heard Mark scream suddenly when suddenly Jackson got hit by a passing car. Jackson had come over to visit Mark at his break, and they decided to go out on a walk to clear Jackson’s head. Shrouded with his thoughts, Jackson had gotten hit by a car while he tried crossing the road. The driver quickly came out of the car to check on the damages they had cost on Jackson. “Jackson, are you alright?!” Mark bit his nails as he saw blood drip down Jackson’s head.

“Bambam! What the fuck!” The passenger screamed at the driver, Jackson vaguely recognized the voices to be Jinyoung’s younger roommates, Yugyeom and Bambam.

“I didn’t see him— Jackson?!” Bambam saw his victim to be his roommate’s ex-boyfriend.

“Mark?!” Yugyeom called out the American immortal. Mark turned his head, confused at why they called their names.

“Do I know you?” Mark questioned, trying to cover Jackson’s bleeding head from other bystanders, especially from Bambam and Yugyeom.

“We’re regulars at your cafe— Nevermind that. Is Jackson okay? Do we need to call an ambulance? Shit, what’s the procedure, Bam?!” Yugyeom panicked.

“I don’t fucking know?! Dial 119 for an ambulance, right?! Fuck hang on—” Bambam grabbed his phone to quickly dial for help.

“No! Don’t call for an ambulance! Just… cover him. My place is nearby. C'mon,” Mark helped Jackson up, and the two younger boys flipped when they saw Jackson’s bleeding head and open gashes.

“Oh! Ew! Are you sure we don’t need to call an ambulance ‘cuz that shit looks rancid!” Bambam covered his eyes, his stomach quelched, Bambam was easily squeamish from the sight of the open wounds.

“I’m sure! We don’t have much time, let’s go,”

“Much time?!” Bambam repeated, Mark rolled his eyes and pulled Yugyeom’s arm to support Jackson’s other side.

 

As soon as they reached the corner of Mark’s house, Jackson dropped his foot making him more substantial than he already was. Mark stopped and release his arm over the Chinese man and gave him a weak sigh. Bambam gasped as he noticed that Jackson’s wounds were not visible in fact they had disappeared like they never happened. Yugyeom gaped at how well Jackson stood on his own despite the fact getting run over by a car. Mark was nonchalant and gave Jackson a handkerchief to wipe away the blood on his head.

Jackson wordlessly took it and just wiped away the blood as if it was nothing. Bambam and Yugyeom screamed in unison, knowing well that was not the proper way to heal a wound. Jackson looked at them, looking completely fine unharmed. “What is happening…” Yugyeom’s eyes grew in shock as he loudly whispered to Bambam.

“I have no fucking idea… but I don’t have a good feeling about this,” Bambam whispered back.

“Jackson, we should tell them,” Mark seriously told Jackson, like Jackson had a choice.

“Tell us what… are you guys gonna kill us?” Yugyeom faltered.

“No. I… I have a confession to make,” Jackson awkwardly coughed. “I’m sure you guys know Jinyoung’s grandpa,” The two younger boys nodded. “And I’m sure you guys are aware of the story of the Angel—”

“Are you the angel?!” Yugyeom cut off the immortal.

“What? No! I’m the other guy! I’m immortal that’s why I survived that hit!”

“That does make more sense. Wait— Why are you telling this to us? If you’re the immortal then why did you go out with Jinyoung hyung if you love the Angel?” Yugyeom slapped his best friend’s shoulder when Bambam didn’t seem to get it.

“Dude! Jinyoung hyung’s the Angel!”

“Woah… and he heard that story from his grandpa, and it turns out that it’s a story about his life. Bro, that’s fucking meta,” Bambam gaped. “Hang on… if you’re saying Jinyoung hyung is the ‘Angel’ shouldn’t you be totally in love with each other?” Mark awkwardly side-eyed his immortal companion as Jackson’s expression grew dark.

“I decided to let him go. He should live his life without me,” Jackson choked out, his head throbbed, and his heart ached, even if Jackson continues to live Jinyoung should be able to do so as well. Chase his dreams, escape reality, do what Jackson took from him every time. “It’s for the best.”

“That sucks,” Yugyeom sighed, Bambam rolled his eyes at his best friend. “No. I’m serious. It sucks, Bam. What do you know about what Jinyoung hyung’s feelings? After Jaebeom broke up with Jinyoung hyung, you’re the only person that makes Jinyoung hyung smile. When he comes home after a date with you, he’s in a better mood. When he’s not with you, he feels sick and gets migraines, all that shit! I’ve never seen Jinyoung hyung feel so much like shit after you broke up with him!”

“YG’s right… Jinyoung hyung hasn’t really been well. As much as I didn’t like you guys together. I have to admit, I’ve never seen Jinyoung hyung so happy… aside from the weird migraines, of course,” Bambam scratched the back of his neck. Mark and Jackson looked at each other in confusion and inquisitively looked backed at the younger foreigner.

“Migraines?” Jackson asked. “What’s weird about getting a couple of migraines?”

“Oh… you don’t know? Jinyoung hyung said he’s also been getting weird dreams and visions that give him massive headaches. He usually passes out and wakes up in a total sweat,” Jackson nodded as Bambam explained. How could Jackson forget the weird occurrences that Jinyoung had been having, randomly spacing out, tripping over himself after a sudden jolt of pain? Jackson quickly ignored this as he would also be suddenly reminded of other memories of the past. He never once thought that maybe Jinyoung was experiencing the same thing too.

“I never really noticed… But what do you by weird dreams and visions?”

“Jinyoungie hyung says they remind him of his past even though it never really happened to him. We figured he’d been having his past lives come back to him which would explain the Joseon era fragments of his life,” Yugyeom answered.

“Jackson! Do you know what this means?” Mark pulled Jackson to the side as he hit an epiphany.

“Uh… Probably?”

“Dude! It means Jinyoung remembers you! Maybe this time you’ll finally be together!”

“What? No, you don’t know that.”

“And you don’t either! Jackson maybe this is your chance.”

“He’ll hate me after remembering what I did to him.”

“Jackson… if he hated you, you’d think by now Jinyoung would also be avoiding the shit outta you? They said it themselves, he’s fucking miserable without! I can tell that you think all of this is your fault, but it’s not. He doesn’t hate you.”

“But after all that? Will he love me?” Mark cracked a small smile to Jackson, giving him a silent answer.

* * *

The world was better a little bit whenever Jackson met Jinyoung. Jackson felt less like shit, and Jinyoung always told him better. Jinyoung was a star that Jackson only wanted to shine brighter, Jackson had not realized how much he started to want Jinyoung more and more and how much he cared for him. He didn’t want to ruin every moment, he tried so hard to stop himself, but Jackson was falling. Jinyoung was always sure that it was still Jackson, no matter where their lives have turned, Jinyoung always found himself with Jackson. What a warm feeling, they thought.

Jackson would always forget. Then he’d remember too late. When did he start loving Jinyoung? Had he still have or did he stop trying to hate the feeling of loving Jinyoung? Jackson liked holding Jinyoung’s hand. He’d again caress the back of Jinyoung’s hand with his thumb feeling the soft skin of Jinyoung’s hand.

Jackson couldn’t even stay mad at Jinyoung when he tried his best to. The way Jinyoung was so forward and how he lead him to go out on their first date at a shabby 7-eleven. The way Jinyoung pouted his lips as he scoured the aisles for hard-boiled eggs and triangle kimbap. The little proud blank-faced look he made when he finally found whatever was looking for. How Jinyoung was so absorbed with how fast Jackson could peel an egg though, his face remained as expressionless as it always did.

Though their actions were pure, Jackson had missed it. It made him remember all the little things the past reincarnations made him love about this Jinyoung. All the small things mattered when that was all Jackson could hang onto.  

* * *

Jinyoung cracked open his eyes as he found himself silently sitting beside his grandfather’s hospital bed. He wiped away the dirt formed in his eyes and looked around as he saw his grandfather slept. The silence lulled throughout the room, and he scoffed, his memories seemed clear as day, and everything was clear to him. Jinyoung surprised himself with his cold fingers that touched his cheek. Jinyoung had felt like he had gotten the most sleep than he’d ever had from the past week albeit it was only for an hour or two, but it was better than a night of his past lives haunting him. The best part was he didn’t even dream of any of his past selves. In fact, from his whole hour of rest, he only recalled the present moment he had with Jackson. It wasn’t another long trip down memory lane; instead, it was just a small recollection of what Jinyoung and Jackson did a few weeks ago. It wasn’t even the biggest things that Jinyoung remembered, it was the little things, but that’s all it took.

If Jinyoung and Jackson were in love with each more than 20 times already, then it wasn’t the big gestures that would sweep you off your feet but the little things that you notice. Maybe it could be the tiny little notes that your significant other would give or perhaps the way they looked as they slept. For Jinyoung, it was everything, his bubbly laugh, the way their hands fit perfectly into each other, and how Jackson never forgot him. Jinyoung growled at his dumb behavior, recalling how selfishly he acted to Jackson. He leaned on his grandfather’s bed, silent and unmoving.

“Jinyoung?”

“Grandpa? Did I wake you?”

“No. It’s alright. How are you?”

“Better, I guess. I just needed some rest. Grandpa,” Jinyoung softly called.

“Yes?”

“What will you do if I went to Jackson and told him that I remembered. Would I disappear again?”

“I don’t know.”

“Will you get upset if I do.”

“Never,” Youngjae smiled to his grandson as Jinyoung took it as a signal to go for whatever he was thinking of doing. Just as Jinyoung turned to the exit, he looked back to his grandfather and hugged him before he left.

“I’m sorry that you might forget me again and I’m sorry that I might not be with you anymore. I’m sorry that I am selfish to go after him,” Jinyoung gripped his grandfather tighter, as he engraved every crinkle and every thread Jinyoung felt on his fingertips to his memory.

“You’re not selfish. I can’t keep you apart, I could never hold back someone like you. You deserve him, and he has waited for you for too long. Don’t keep him waiting any longer,” Youngjae pressed his palms on Jinyoung’s cheeks before placing a soft kiss on the forehead as he finally let him go. “I’m so glad that I could have you in my life.”

“I’m glad you’re a part of mine,” Jinyoung released his grandfather’s weak hands off his face. Jinyoung turned back to the exit with less hesitation in his stride as he moved forward.

* * *

“I knew I would find you here. Well, actually Bambam texted me, saying you were here,” Jinyoung found Jackson sitting at the bench where they first met, well in this current life. Jackson turned his head away from Jinyoung to avoid any more contact from him. “Still see you’re ignoring me. Look, I get it. I’m an asshole, and you’re the guy we all have to fucking pity because he’s been around for how many centuries?! We should all feel bad for Jackson because he doesn’t get what he wants!” Jinyoung sat down beside Jackson, burning his gaze straight at Jackson. “What about me? Don’t you know how I feel?”

“Jinyoung, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t?! So I don’t feel like complete shit when I disappear in front of your very eyes, and I don’t feel pain in every fucking life I live because it doesn’t matter right? Because you always blame yourself!” Jackson looked up to Jinyoung as the latter gave a straight face. “I hate my life. I hated that I could never be free and I hate that I wasn’t going to live the life I wanted to live. But then I met you.”

“Jinyoung…”

“Listen! Every time I was trapped and I didn’t know where I was going, I found you. You took all the pain away, but you still think it’s your fault. I don’t like leaving you, I never did. But I never felt alone because I knew you would always be there for me,” Jackson turned his head away, trying to break his gaze away from Jinyoung. “I remember. I remember everything, Jiaer. Jackson. Sseunie. Don’t say I don’t know what I’m saying. I remember you,” Jinyoung crept in closer and wrapped his arms around Jackson’s neck. “I remember your touch. Your words. Your eyes. Your lips. You’re my everything,” Jinyoung pressed their foreheads together.

“But back then… when you said I love you to me, was it real?”

“Of course, it was! I disappeared every time I said it with all my heart!”

“Not the past ones where you did. I’m talking about the one at your apartment.”

“I was dumb, but after I spent more time with you, I realized how true those words became. I don’t want to live another lifetime forgetting you, and I don’t want you to live another life waiting for me thinking that this is all your fault.”

“I don’t want to either,” Jackson’s eyes watered, glistening as the tips of their noses ever-so-slightly brushed against each other. “I don’t want you to forget, and I don’t want to keep losing you. Every time it wasn’t right for you, and every time I was so selfish just to want you. To stay with me, but when I let you go, it filled me with so much anger that I only directed it to myself. I love you so much that my only wish is to be with you even if it’s just a minute after you say you love me. I just want to see how you shine and smile right after you confess maybe then I’ll be able to live another 25 years.”

Jinyoung choked out his tears, he shook his head, no, he didn’t want that. He didn’t wish to another cycle. He didn’t want to be apart from Jackson any longer. “No. I don’t want that. I want to be with you, I don’t want to leave you any longer. Anything but that.”

“My only dream was to be with you. I love you until the end of the world.”

“Then will you be with me until then?”

“Of course. I love you, Park Jinyoung.”

“I love you too,” The two men smiled and giggled like two childish boys as spring flowers floated from the gust of wind. Jackson looked at Jinyoung’s face with his crinkled eyes and angelic smile, he bumped their foreheads again, and another breeze gushed back. The spring blossoms were carried through the wind as pink and white petals danced along with the breeze, the park bench was empty as if the wind had taken the lovers away somewhere else.

 

Youngjae smiled as he watched the blossoms being carried by the wind, but he seemed more intrigued by the two petals that continued to dance in circles in front of Youngjae’s window. The old man chuckled and had been brought back to his youth sitting down at Jackson’s study as he watched a very young Jinyoung pester Jackson with their school lessons. How lively they were and how their voices ruckus throughout the whole house.

Youngjae waved at the petals as if he were saying goodbye to the dancing petals. He looked sad, but more so he was happy, somehow he could end his story better. “You can finally be happy now. Thank you for your story,” Youngjae grinned as a single tear dropped down his face. The breeze was silent, almost acknowledging Youngjae before floating away all over town.

 

Jaebeom looked up to the sky as the sudden breeze hit him. He sipped on his strawberry milk and cheekily smirked at the sight of the spring blossoms. “Well, would you look at that,” Jaebeom whistled at the beauty of the flowers. The white blossoms complemented the pink blossoms very well if Jaebeom said so himself.

 

“So, Mark, you’re immortal too?!” Yugyeom exclaimed.

“Mhm,” the 250-year-old boy nodded. “It gets kinda boring, I slept for 200 years though Jackson has it worse. He did it for more than 600, and I don’t know how he stayed sane especially with his lover’s reincarnation cycle driving him into the walls,” Mark sipped on his iced latte as he leaned back on his chair as the two younger boys ogle in awe.

“600?! Bro and that means Jinyoung also was alive during those times too. Does that mean Jinyoung is also 600-years-old?” Bambam tried counting on his fingers.

“Probably,” Mark shrugged. “He was a special case, and immortals don’t really know the philosophy on why we are immortal. Jackson actually told me I’m the only other immortal he had ever met. Meaning to say there are other immortals. Though, I highly doubt they fully know the reason why they’re immortal as well. I think I’ll use my time to study on that.”

“Has no one really studied why?” Bambam raised his eyebrows at Mark.

“Well. None that we can learn of. Some say it’s just inherent to certain people, but Jackson thought that immortality is a curse for those born without a dream or any sort of aspiration.”

“Did you have any dreams before, Mark?”

“Not… really, no, so maybe Jackson’s right there.”

“But… what about now?”

“Well now, I bet Jackson and Jinyoung got their dream to happen. So maybe I need to wait until I meet mine. I’m in no rush. I spent 200 years sleeping, I can take my sweet time,” Mark looked solemnly to the glass window of the cafe, his smile was serene, and there was a calmness in his heart. Jackson had found his dream, now they were together wherever they are. Mark sighed as he twirled his straw in his plastic cup, a dream of holding his loved one forever how cliche Mark thought. A breeze passed, Mark saw two flower petals dance in the air as they crossed the cafe window. Mark shook his head, he stood up as Yugyeom, and Bambam’s eyes followed him. Mark opened the door to allow the breeze to come in, which swept the petals inside. Mark laughed as the petals moved to the counter as if they were falling in line. “How nice of you to visit,” Mark picked the fallen petals by the counter line. “What took you so long?”

**Author's Note:**

> pls tell me how u guys liked it and like i know that jinson had been dying for the past of couple of weeks so i wanna keep it alive,,, i love reading all the jinson fics online n hopefully i could produce some more for yall but again im super hella busy oof,,, 
> 
> pls leave a comment and loads of kudos n lets talk ;D have a wonderful day uwu thank


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